July 16, 2026
S6E4 Are Pandas Just Costumed Dudes in Disguise with John Campanelli
S6E4: Are Pandas Just Costumed Dudes in Disguise? (with John Campanelli) Are giant pandas (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) a marvel of natural selection, or are they just highly paid actors sweating it out inside heavy plush suits to fuel a multi-million...
S6E4: Are Pandas Just Costumed Dudes in Disguise? (with John Campanelli)
Are giant pandas (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) a marvel of natural selection, or are they just highly paid actors sweating it out inside heavy plush suits to fuel a multi-million dollar international conservation scam?
This week, the crew dives deep into the bizarre biology of the world's favorite lazy carnivore. From their evolutionary choice to eat toxic grass all day to their infamous need for mood lighting and performance drugs just to keep the species going, the math simply isn't checking out. To help us unmask the truth, standout stand-up comedian John Campanelli joins the desk to break down the evidence, pitch his own wild theories, and reveal which modern historical figures might actually be a complete fabrication.
A QUICK PRODUCTION NOTE FROM THE TEAM:
We want to sincerely apologize for the audio quality on this week's episode. Koji completely messed up the recording settings in the home studio before we pressed track. He knows it sounds a little rough, he feels terrible about it, and he solemnly promises to do better next time. Thank you for bearing with us!
In this episode, we cover:
About the Guest:
John Campanelli’s debut album Nervous led LAFT Magazine to call him “A comedian for the people,” while his second release, New Phone, Who Is This?, hit #1 for New Comedy Releases. He has toured with Dane Cook, recently played Radio City Music Hall on Matt Rife’s ProbleMATTic World Tour, and appeared in Esther Povitsky’s Comedy Central special Hot For My Name and feature film Drug Store June. His television and media credits include Comics Unleashed, Gotham Comedy Live, and Adult Swim. A major staple of the Los Angeles scene, John ran long-running shows at The Comedy Store and the Laugh Factory, and currently holds residencies at the Hollywood Improv and Flappers.
Reference Links & Episode Sources:
https://www.syfy.com/syfy-wire/from-tiktok-to-southern-charm-people-think-pandas-arent-real
https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/tiktok-conspiracy-theory-pandas-arent-real-1372164/
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/286zby/im_fairly_certain_pandas_are_just_an_extremely/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_panda
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tainan_fake_panda_incident
https://www.britannica.com/animal/giant-panda
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/t7blhu/when_did_giant_pandas_become_an_iconic_creature/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mo_(Chinese_zoology)#Erya
ABOUT US
What are "they" not telling us? We'll find out, figure out, and, when all else fails, make up the missing pieces to some of the most scandalous, unexplained phenomena, and true crime affecting our world today. Join comedian Dwayne Perkins, writer Koji Steven Sakai, and comedian/actor/writer Cat Alvarado on The Unofficial Official Story Podcast every month, and by the end of each episode, we'll tell you what's really...maybe...happening.
Website: http://unofficialofficialstory.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theunofficialofficialstorypod/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@unoffoffstorypodcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxGCoSTC0bmTk5GVFHP4l3w
CREDITS
The intro and outro song was created by Brian "Deep" Watters. You can hear his music at https://soundcloud.com/deepwatters.
Written by Harry Xiong
Hosts: Cat Alvarado, Dwayne Perkins, and Koji Steven Sakai
Edited and Produced by Koji Steven Sakai
Are giant pandas (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) a marvel of natural selection, or are they just highly paid actors sweating it out inside heavy plush suits to fuel a multi-million dollar international conservation scam?
This week, the crew dives deep into the bizarre biology of the world's favorite lazy carnivore. From their evolutionary choice to eat toxic grass all day to their infamous need for mood lighting and performance drugs just to keep the species going, the math simply isn't checking out. To help us unmask the truth, standout stand-up comedian John Campanelli joins the desk to break down the evidence, pitch his own wild theories, and reveal which modern historical figures might actually be a complete fabrication.
A QUICK PRODUCTION NOTE FROM THE TEAM:
We want to sincerely apologize for the audio quality on this week's episode. Koji completely messed up the recording settings in the home studio before we pressed track. He knows it sounds a little rough, he feels terrible about it, and he solemnly promises to do better next time. Thank you for bearing with us!
In this episode, we cover:
- The Animatronic Zoo Opener: Why we think alligators and koalas are operating on mechanical gyroscopes.
- The Incompetence Evolution: How pandas weaponized pretty privilege to force humans into taking care of them.
- The Taiwan Bear Scandal: That real-life 1980s incident where a zoo painted a sun bear black and white.
- The Modern Fabrication List: Why the crew suspects Banksy, Leonardo da Vinci, and a certain tech billionaire are entirely fake or alien vessels.
About the Guest:
John Campanelli’s debut album Nervous led LAFT Magazine to call him “A comedian for the people,” while his second release, New Phone, Who Is This?, hit #1 for New Comedy Releases. He has toured with Dane Cook, recently played Radio City Music Hall on Matt Rife’s ProbleMATTic World Tour, and appeared in Esther Povitsky’s Comedy Central special Hot For My Name and feature film Drug Store June. His television and media credits include Comics Unleashed, Gotham Comedy Live, and Adult Swim. A major staple of the Los Angeles scene, John ran long-running shows at The Comedy Store and the Laugh Factory, and currently holds residencies at the Hollywood Improv and Flappers.
Reference Links & Episode Sources:
https://www.syfy.com/syfy-wire/from-tiktok-to-southern-charm-people-think-pandas-arent-real
https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/tiktok-conspiracy-theory-pandas-arent-real-1372164/
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/286zby/im_fairly_certain_pandas_are_just_an_extremely/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_panda
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tainan_fake_panda_incident
https://www.britannica.com/animal/giant-panda
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/t7blhu/when_did_giant_pandas_become_an_iconic_creature/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mo_(Chinese_zoology)#Erya
ABOUT US
What are "they" not telling us? We'll find out, figure out, and, when all else fails, make up the missing pieces to some of the most scandalous, unexplained phenomena, and true crime affecting our world today. Join comedian Dwayne Perkins, writer Koji Steven Sakai, and comedian/actor/writer Cat Alvarado on The Unofficial Official Story Podcast every month, and by the end of each episode, we'll tell you what's really...maybe...happening.
Website: http://unofficialofficialstory.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theunofficialofficialstorypod/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@unoffoffstorypodcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxGCoSTC0bmTk5GVFHP4l3w
CREDITS
The intro and outro song was created by Brian "Deep" Watters. You can hear his music at https://soundcloud.com/deepwatters.
Written by Harry Xiong
Hosts: Cat Alvarado, Dwayne Perkins, and Koji Steven Sakai
Edited and Produced by Koji Steven Sakai
