S6E4 Are Pandas Just Costumed Dudes in Disguise with John Campanelli

[00:00:06] Koji: What zoo animal do you think are actually high tech animatronic robots? What do you guys think? Um.

[00:00:13] Cat: Alligators.

[00:00:14] Koji: Alligators?

[00:00:14] Dwayne: You know what?

[00:00:15] Cat: They don't do anything. They just sit there.

[00:00:17] Dwayne: They were second on my list.

[00:00:18] Koji: Well, it was first on your list.

[00:00:19] Dwayne: Uh. Koala bears.

[00:00:21] Cat: Oh, I could see those being fake, too.

[00:00:23] Dwayne: Yeah, but, I mean, I've seen a koala bear. I've actually been up close, and I think I feel like they, they throw out the koala bears being, like, very sexually active and having, uh, STDs. They throw that out there to make it like.

[00:00:37] Koji: They do.

[00:00:37] Dwayne: Give them some street cred. Yeah. That's the thing.

[00:00:39] Koji: Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know that.

[00:00:41] Cat: You can get chlamydia.

[00:00:42] Koji: From koala bears.

[00:00:43] Cat: I mean, they could give it to each other. I guess you wouldn't.

[00:00:45] Koji: Oh, I was gonna say,

[00:00:47] Dwayne: If you got chlamydia from a koala bear, you have some explaining to do.

[00:00:50] Koji: John, what about you?

[00:00:51] John: You know, that's interesting. A lot of them, now that you say it. I mean, penguins kind of walk shady. That's the way that they do it.

[00:01:00] Dwayne: They can't fly.

[00:01:01] John: They walk like they're wound up.

[00:01:03] Koji: Yeah. That's true.

[00:01:03] John: You know, snakes? Maybe not as much.

[00:01:09] Dwayne: I wish they were animatronics. I hate snakes.

[00:01:13] Cat: Too smooth. Like, I don't feel like we have that in AI yet.

[00:01:16] John: Yeah.

[00:01:17] Dwayne: Also, it seems like, like in nature, it just seems like a snake would be like, how did these things survive? You know, with no arms?

[00:01:29] John: Yeah. Snakes. Snakes bug me out. I don't, I don't like how aware they are for just like a long thing. They're so, you know, they're like very aware. They, they're, they, you know, they'll attack you. It's just that they're so creepy. It's just a face and then a rod, right.

[00:01:49] Cat: When you see it that way, that is creepy.

[00:01:51] John: Yeah. It's just a face and then a long, straight body.

[00:01:56] Dwayne: Right. And, you know, they have to be hateful because they see all the other animals that can swim.

[00:02:03] John: Yeah. They're mad.

[00:02:04] Dwayne: They can walk.

[00:02:05] Koji: Or they could be really grateful.

[00:02:07] Dwayne: No, they they.

[00:02:07] John: Know they're. Mad.

[00:02:08] Dwayne: They're mad at the world.

[00:02:09] Koji: They're mad at the world.

[00:02:10] John: They're always trying to tie themselves, you know, tie them, strangle people and, like, wrap themselves around people. That's all they have. Like, this is all I have.

[00:02:17] Dwayne: Like, you think you're all big and bad with your arms. I'm gonna squeeze the life out of you.

[00:02:20] John: Yeah.

[00:02:21] Dwayne: Yeah.

[00:02:22] Koji: That's funny.

[00:02:22] John: What a boring life.

[00:02:23] Cat: All you can do is kill.

[00:02:24] John: You and you just slither around all day.

[00:02:39] Cat: Welcome to the unofficial Official Story podcast. This is episode four of season six. Join us as we dive into the quirky, mysterious, and bizarre. From unsolved mysteries to peculiar pop culture phenomena, we uncover hidden stories and explore alternate realities. My name is Cat.

[00:02:57] Dwayne: I'm Dwayne. 

[00:02:58] Koji: And I'm Koji.

[00:02:59] Dwayne: Got a theory or a mystery you want us to explore? Send it our way and we might feature it in an upcoming episode.

[00:03:05] Koji: It is July, and this month we've got some birthdays to celebrate. You know, Tom Hanks was born in July. Jennifer Lopez was born in July. But most importantly, pandas. I guess this is my by the way, my intern wrote this this year, so we're gonna go with it. That's uh that's right. Three of the world's most famous pandas. Hua Hua, Wang Lan and Tai Shan were all born in July.

[00:03:24] Dwayne: Or at least that's what they want you to think. What if these adorable, iconic ursigns had never been born to begin with? What if they are not real?

[00:03:31] Cat: Oh doo doo doo doo.

[00:03:32] Cat: However, before we get to that, let's introduce our guest, comedian John Campanelli. Let me read your bio. It's John's debut comedy album. Nervous 2013 was highly regarded and led LAFT magazine to review John as a comedian for the people. John released his second comedy album, New Phone Who Is This, which was also recognized as number one for new comedy releases. And then he was featured on The West Jet Just for laughs comedy tour headlined by Dane Cook. What? And then he opened for and appeared on Esther Povitsky comedy special hot For My Name. And oh my, there's just so much. You've done so much.

[00:04:16] John: Yeah, yeah, there's. That's not even the good stuff. But, uh, they can look up my bio. I don't know if my I mean, I like my, I like that I put out my albums early. I like that I haven't, I haven't, I have to put out a special. But I think those are fine. They get the gist of it.

[00:04:31] Dwayne: When you say early me early in your career.

[00:04:33] John: Yeah, I did, I put them both out my first five years, which was kind of interesting.

[00:04:37] Koji: When did you know you wanted to be a comedian?

[00:04:40] John: When I was young. When I was a kid, I knew I wanted to be a comic. Like I'm talking like six, seven, eight years old.

[00:04:45] Koji: Oh, wow,

[00:04:45] John: I loved it. Yeah, I loved it. Um, and then I went down the sports route, you know, and then kind of abandoned that. And then in college kind of started to want to got the itch. I was like, I really want to do stand up.

[00:05:00] Koji: Were you a comedian on your sports teams?

[00:05:02] John: I was, I really was. I used to like I was always a captain, but I always used but I still pissed off my coaches. But like, I actually was just with my high school buddy, uh, a couple months ago, and we were laughing about the chants I used to do at baseball. And he used to die.

[00:05:18] Koji: Chants like in the dugout.

[00:05:19] John: Like, like, like, uh, when someone was at bat and they would take a ball, you'd go, good eye, good eye, good eye, good eye. And I would always start them, but we would be like on them. And I would always start them. And he would, he would just laugh. And I would do this one thing where I would put my hat on when I pitched and I would tilt it sideways. And my coach used to get mad and I would tuck one ear in and I would make a weird face when I was pitching when I would like to the batters.

[00:05:48] Cat: Oh my god.

[00:05:49] John: Batters would laugh swinging and my coach would get mad, and my catcher at the end of the inning would be like, dude, I can't catch you when you're doing that. Like, it's making me laugh. But my coach would be like, it's unsportsmanlike. I'd be like, well, whatever.

[00:06:02] Koji: He's like old school guy.

[00:06:03] John: I'm getting him. Yeah, yeah. He was. He's a dick.

[00:06:07] Dwayne: Where did you go to high school like what state?

[00:06:10] John: Westchester, New York.

[00:06:11] Dwayne: Okay. I thought I heard a slight New York accent.

[00:06:13] John: Yeah yeah yeah yeah. So I went not.

[00:06:15] Dwayne: Super strong, but yeah.

[00:06:16] John: Yeah, we were good. We were the first my senior year baseball. We were the first team to win the section. We won 2003. We were the first team to win the section since 1969. Breaking the curse.

[00:06:27] Dwayne: Oh wow.

[00:06:28] Koji: Wow. So when you were six, were you telling jokes? Were you were you, were you?

[00:06:31] John: Um, my first obsession was with Elvis when I was actually.

[00:06:35] Cat: I was also obsessed with Elvis as a child.

[00:06:37] John: Yep. 6 or 7. And I had an Elvis collection. And before school and first grade, I would gel my hair like Elvis. I'd have my mom help me. Cool. Yeah, I loved, I loved him and, uh, so I wanted to be an actor, like a rock star and then comedian, and then I, you know, then all the greats, all the all the comedians turn actors. I really, um, I really loved, you know, I, I grew up watching Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Jim Carrey and I had the talkboy from Home Alone, Home Alone two lost in New York. They had the Talkboy. And I would do jokes into the talkboy and then rewind it and listen to it. And I would always hate how it sounded, but I would always try to do jokes like Steve Martin jokes into the talkboy and impressions and rewind it, and I just, I think I moved around a little bit and, and I was the oldest by a lot. So I think that humor and always being, being the new kid kind of helped. So. And I always loved it to begin with, but that's why I think where I really kind of started to shine was I moved when I was six years old from New York to Pennsylvania, Westchester, New York, to West Chester, Pennsylvania, and then moved back to Westchester, New York, at 14 and each time we moved, my sister was born right as we were moving to New York and my brother was born as we were moving, I. My sister was born as we were moving to Pennsylvania, and my brother was born right as we were moving back to New York. My dad's job very weird. So I was just always kind of an outsider, so I'd have to fit in and I, I used comedy and then I was like, I want to do this. But you know, then I was playing sports. So it was just like, that wasn't what people were going to do. And then my friends always wanted me in college to go to open. Towards the end of college, when I started writing material, my friends would want me to go do an open mic, but they wanted to go heckle me and get drunk. So I kept saying, no, I'm good, no, I'm good. And then, uh, I would actually write material. They would have me into like a little, you know, those like, um, those like little tykes. Uh, I don't know what it was. It's like those, what were they? Microphones. Those little microphones. I forgot what it was Anyway, the Fisher Price microphones. I would we would get drunk at night and I would do stand up into the Fisher Price microphone for all of them. And they would like, think it was funny. It was like this little microphone, whatever. And then I was like, after college, I was like, I want to act. I want to do all this. And I remember my buddy when I was graduating, he goes, what are you going to do when you graduate? Like all my friends were like, we're getting like, they were like already looking for finance jobs. This, that it was the only one. Like, not really sure. And one of my buddies goes, are you going to be like a clown? Or you're going to like, write like children's books? Like, what are you going to do? And I was like, I don't know. And then I started, I got headshots and stuff and I was starting, I got like this manager that you had to like pay. And I was going out for like indie film audition or a student film auditions behind everyone's back. No one really knew.

[00:09:34] Dwayne: Had you acted in college?

[00:09:36] John: Towards the end of it, I switched prerequisites so that I could take like theater 101, but I'd no one really knew that. I see. And then I knew if I started in New York that my friend, because I was a partier, I knew that they were just going to come with me and I was never going to get drunk and I was never going to get seriously. I was like, I got to get out of New York. I moved to LA, I just got up and left.

[00:09:57] Cat: Basically, you started comedy here in LA.

[00:09:59] John: I started comedy.

[00:10:00] Cat: I've always thought of you as a New York guy.

[00:10:02] John: No, I started in 2010 in LA. I moved out here in 2009. I had a job. I moved out here with a job at TV Guide Network because I didn't want to move out here with nothing, and I worked there for a year, gave me a great lay of the land. I interviewed on the red carpet. I was like producing TV. It was great. I met a lot of people and then I was like, after a year, I was like, I want to do stand up. April 2010, I went to my first open mic and then I loved it and I was like, I'm never looking. And I just, I went hard. I really went like full on, this is what I'm going to do. This is what I want to do.

[00:10:33] Dwayne: Absolutely. I'm doing this, put out an album within five years. You had to be. 

[00:10:37] John: Three years. I put out a 40 minute one and then a year five. I put out another 65 minute one. I mean, I lost weight, but like, not like in a bad way. And like a buddy of mine who actually is a pretty he's actually written a lot now. He's, he always wanted to be in the industry. He saw me like a year in his standup and he goes, oh, you're like committed. He was like, you're like, not even there anymore. You're like committed.

[00:11:01] Dwayne: Do you think you're sporting your sports background kind of helped with your approach to comedy?

[00:11:08] John: 1,000%.

[00:11:10] Dwayne: Yeah.

[00:11:10] John: Um, was, you know, I, I grew, I was like, okay, well, first off, I have work in New York. It's just like I have the work ethic and the drive. And I just, I was always told I had, you have to earn what you're, you know, and I, I looked at it as a meritocracy and I wanted to be the best I could be that that is the you know, I mean, that is the competitor in me. And I've been in big games. I, you know, I pitched a two hit shutout in the state quarterfinals. You know, in baseball, I've scored literal game winning touchdowns. It's like, so I like the big games, you know, so I'm like, I'm I'm I'm in it, man. Like this is it. Yeah.

[00:11:47] Koji: So who did you sleep with to get to the top?

[00:11:50] John: Well.

[00:11:51] Koji: I'm just kidding.

[00:11:53] John: I mean, just get to the get get to the middle.

[00:11:57] Dwayne: Do you still think it's a meritocracy?

[00:12:00] John: Oh, no. It's done.

[00:12:01] Dwayne: Okay.

[00:12:02] John: It never really was.

[00:12:03] Dwayne: It never really was. Right. Right. No. But it serves you well to not know that, I think.

[00:12:07] John: Yeah. You you can't know that in the beginning. You got to be. You got to start off a little delulu.

[00:12:13] Dwayne: Yeah, absolutely.

[00:12:14] John: Um,

[00:12:14] Cat: It's time to get to the bottom of this once and for all. This is the official story.

[00:12:19] Koji: All right, let's do it. This the giant panda? I'm gonna have terrible pronunciation of this. I ropata melancholy that.

[00:12:29] Cat: No melanoleuca.

[00:12:31] Koji: Okay. It's arguably the most iconic and adored animal and conservation mascot on the planet. Not only representing China, it is literally the face of wildlife conservation, the symbol of the World Wildlife Fund.

[00:12:42] Dwayne: Yes. Endemic to the bamboo forest of western China, pandas are known for their distinct black eye patches and their docile, lazy nature. Their favorite activity in. Pretty much the only thing they do is eating bamboo.

[00:12:54] Cat: These lovable fluff balls draw millions of visitors to zoos around the world every year, bringing in massive tourism revenue and even serving as bargaining chips for China's diplomacy.

[00:13:04] Koji: But we have to ask ourselves, are pandas even real? A group of TikTok theorists, those are the best kind of theorists, by the way, seem to think not. A few years ago, the viral theory on TikTok claimed the giant panda is simply a hoax. People believe that pandas are not real. They are human actors wearing highly sophisticated plush suits.

[00:13:22] Dwayne: There's actually a shocking amount of evidence supporting this theory stemming from Panda's peculiar biology. For example, pandas are considered carnivores, which is kind of crazy. Yet they live on a diet of bamboo, something that is not only almost entirely devoid of nutrients, but includes cyanide when eaten raw.

[00:13:41] Cat: No wonder they're endangered.

[00:13:42] Dwayne: Why would any animal evolve to do that?

[00:13:44] Cat: This panda's being carnivores thing is honestly full of holes when you think about it. Pandas are classified among the ranks of what? Lions, tigers and wolves. However, they're extremely clumsy. They trip over flat surfaces, face plant off logs and fall out of trees. This is not normal behavior for any kind of predator. It's more like human actors struggling inside hot, heavy costumes.

[00:14:08] Koji: I want to live in a world where their human actors in there. How could you put that on your resume? Um, the final nail in the coffin is the pandas infamous inability to recreate a female pandas estrus, or being in heat only lasts for 2 to 3 days and occurs just once a year. Pandas are so bad at.

[00:14:25] Dwayne: So you're saying they're just married? Oh. I'm sorry.

[00:14:33] John: No, this is all great. I can intervene.

[00:14:35] Koji: You can always intervene.

[00:14:36] John: Oh, that's. Oh, that's very funny. Uh. They. Yeah. That I can't hit it. That's great. Yeah. They're a married couple. That's great.

[00:14:45] Koji: Pandas are so bad at reproducing. The zoo's notoriously have to resort to mood lighting, panda pornography and viagra just for a chance for them to breed.

[00:14:53] John: Wow.

[00:14:54] Koji: That's madness.

[00:14:56] John: This is a this. They're really interesting.

[00:14:59] Koji: Yeah. They are.

[00:15:00] John: What a weird. It doesn't yeah. It doesn't feel real.

[00:15:05] Cat: This is the first time I found out that they're not carnivores. I'm like, how do they hunt? Like, what do they eat? Bugs? Do bugs count as carnivores?

[00:15:13] John: Yeah, maybe this is a really, really horrible witness protection.

[00:15:18] Koji: Even. Even for an animal with no predator, the math simply doesn't check out how did they survive natural selection.

[00:15:25] Dwayne: Right? And here's the cherry on top. Pandas have been faked before. In the late 1980s, a zoo in Taiwan was caught painting a sun bear, black and white, to market it as a panda. I had to look up Sun Bear. They're cute as well. If a random zoo can pull it off. Imagine what a global operation could do with only a few hundred pandas in captivity around the world. The number of actors would be entirely possible to manage. After all, the panda business is extremely lucrative. I mean, think about it. Jerry Springer had, like, fake. And a lot of these courtroom shows, the endless supply of fake actors or people who.

[00:16:04] Koji: A lot of comedians actually.

[00:16:05] Dwayne: Come on and say, this thing happened. That didn't happen.

[00:16:08] Koji: Well, because you get paid.

[00:16:09] Dwayne: Yeah, yeah. But but like, it's not like they get in trouble. Nothing ever happened.

[00:16:13] John: But is the theory that pandas never existed or that maybe they went extinct and they're pretending that they're still around?

[00:16:19] Koji: I think that pandas aren't real.

[00:16:21] John: They never were.

[00:16:21] Koji: They never were real. Yeah.

[00:16:24] John: Interesting. Worst. Worst buddy cop. Duo. Worst detectives. Interesting. At the same time.

[00:16:32] Cat: Imagine if the Illuminati was real, but the whole thing was just panda bears conspiracy theory. Okay. while what we've discussed are all true. Something more contested are the mention of this is all grammatically incorrect. One moment. While, what we've discussed is all true. Something even more contested is the mention of pandas in Chinese literature. People say pandas are not mentioned, but there are mentions of creatures extremely similar to pandas, just with different names like Pichu or Mo. The latter is literally described as a bear with a small head, short legs mixed black and white, able to lick and consume bamboo joints. That is really short for all of those words.

[00:17:17] Koji: Well, yeah.

[00:17:18] Cat: Yeah, pretty sure that's Panda.

[00:17:20] Koji: Well, it's funny if you watch these videos about pandas exists, one of the things they always cite is that it's not in Chinese literature. I actually believed this. And then I this my interns from Asia or from from China. And he was like, it's not true. It's you could read it in books. I was like, oh, that's sad because according to all the conspiracy theories, like in Chinese literature, they don't mention until like the 1900s. And so I got really excited about it. And then he's like, it's not true. But I was like, put it in there, put it in there.

[00:17:46] Cat: I feel like that's something that like anybody could claim anything about Chinese literature and I wouldn't know.

[00:17:50] Koji: Yeah, yeah.

[00:17:51] Cat: Getting the tattoo because like bacon sandwich like it makes me. 

[00:17:54] Dwayne: Absolutely.

[00:17:55] Koji: It's time to put our thinking caps on. Our panda is actually real. When we return, we'll settle this once and for all and figure out what really may be happened.

[00:18:10] Cat: Now that we've reviewed the evidence, let's give our theories.

[00:18:14] Dwayne: Well, I mean, I'll go first, but it's not that, uh, original of a theory. And also John kind of almost said my theory inadvertently. I think they used to exist And yeah, they don't want a bone. They don't want to move around. So they went extinct. But it's such big business for the zoos and, and, and things of that nature. And it's such a sort of slapping like an egg on the face to like this thing you've been trying to keep alive and you failed. So instead of admitting, hey, there's no more pandas. They faked it, but I don't I don't think they are. They're not actors in the suits.

[00:18:55] Koji: Okay.

[00:18:56] Dwayne: It's, um.

[00:18:57] Koji: Dogs.

[00:18:58] Dwayne: No, no, it's either some sort of robotic thing and it can just sort of like break the bamboo and just every, every night they have to go in and take those bamboo pieces out of this. Hollow robot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either that or it's another animal in the suit. You see what I mean? like they put a sun bear in a panda suit.

[00:19:21] Koji: Got it. Or they just painted it. 

[00:19:23] Cat: So hot.

[00:19:23] Dwayne: And they're like.

[00:19:24] Koji: Well, why can't they just paint it? They could just paint. They don't need to put it in a suit. They could just paint if it's a bear already. Yeah,

[00:19:29] Dwayne: I know, but the head.

[00:19:30] Koji: The head.

[00:19:31] John: Do we know more about the origin of them? Like when they like. So when they're not considered extinct yet?

[00:19:38] Cat: No.

[00:19:40] John: Obviously, because we're having this. When uh, and where do they originate from?

[00:19:45] Koji: China.

[00:19:45] John: They. Yeah. They originate in China.

[00:19:47] Koji: Yeah.

[00:19:47] John: Okay.

[00:19:48] Koji: So from okay, here's my theory. Are you ready?

[00:19:50] Dwayne: And if they're carnivores, why don't why aren't the zoos feeding them meat? Or do they feed them?

[00:19:56] Koji: No, because they don't eat that anymore. Oh, that's what they don't. They've chosen their natural selection is that they start eating the the bamboo. Okay, here's my theory. Okay. In the Cold War.

[00:20:04] Dwayne: Um.

[00:20:05] Koji: The, the communists wanted to create the ultimate apex predator to kill Westerners.

[00:20:11] Dwayne: Okay.

[00:20:12] Koji: And that's why he has such strong, like jaws. Right. And he was like, he's a predator. Lion, tiger bear wolf. Right. But it was so cute that it, like, disarmed people.

[00:20:26] Dwayne: Okay.

[00:20:27] Koji: And then so they were going to terminate it, but then all of a sudden they realized they could do the panda diplomacy.

[00:20:31] Cat: Oh man. You took my theory.

[00:20:34] Koji: They could actually.

[00:20:35] Dwayne: Saying that Chinese communists. Yes, were going to train the panda.

[00:20:40] Koji: To kill people.

[00:20:41] Dwayne: To be killed, and then they just couldn't.

[00:20:43] Koji: Well, it was so cute that it disarmed people. And then they realized they took it and realized that, okay, well, we could actually use this the opposite and help people like and use it because they, for example, if like I don't, I think they probably still do this, I don't know, but for a while, like if you said anything negative about China, they would take your pandas away.

[00:21:00] Dwayne: Ah, I see.

[00:21:02] Koji: Right. That was like, that's China. That's the panda diplomacy. So now because the zoos make more money when their pandas there. So pandas no money. So you talk about China in a negative way. We'll take the pandas away. So that's my theory.

[00:21:14] Dwayne: I think they do the same thing now but with microchips.

[00:21:19] Koji: All right Cat, I took yours. I'm sorry.

[00:21:21] Cat: Okay. Well I'm gonna take yours.

[00:21:23] Koji: This is about Asians.

[00:21:25] Cat: It's aliens.

[00:21:25] Koji: Oh, okay.

[00:21:26] Cat: I think pandas are a conspiracy from aliens to observe the Chinese.

[00:21:32] Koji: Oh. Why do the Chinese in particular?

[00:21:33] Cat: And also everybody else. Okay. They're mostly in China. And so I think they want to keep an eye on. China's a huge country. They are growing in their military capacity. And so I think it would make sense for an alien species to be like, yeah, let's observe these people on the ground. Let's see what their culture is like because they're definitely observing us. I mean, I know the US and the Americas have like the bulk of the UFO sightings. So for whatever reason, they want to observe us from the sky. And I think they want to observe the Chinese from the zoos. And then like China happens to like export them out. But I think that they're in operation specifically targeted at China by the aliens.

[00:22:09] Koji: Interesting,

[00:22:09] Dwayne: Interesting. I like.

[00:22:10] Cat: Dressed up.

[00:22:11] Dwayne: I'm sorry.

[00:22:12] Cat: Actually, the pandas could be aliens.

[00:22:13] Dwayne: They could be aliens.

[00:22:14] Cat: They don't even have to dress up.

[00:22:16] Dwayne: I like it if aliens. Because otherwise I'm just picturing pandas with drones at night controlling them. You know.

[00:22:24] Cat: I know the pandas are like, those are the spies like those like they have. Or maybe they're robots transmitting like what they see.

[00:22:31] John: Now, I don't have to necessarily have conspiracy theory, right?

[00:22:35] Koji: It could be, it could be just that they are.

[00:22:36] John: Just my theory. Right?

[00:22:37] Koji: It's your theory. Yeah.

[00:22:39] John: Okay. I have conspiracy theories. I'm not. If something makes sense and makes sense. I'm not one who shoots down everything going. That's a conspiracy. I think conspiracies exist. The panda thing is interesting to me. I think it seems like pandas just could never get their shit together. They just could never figure for whatever reason. And they're kind of like humans. We can't really get our shit together and figure it out. Like, think about someone looking at our species right now. They'd be like, why are they doing this? Why are they eating poison food? Why are they doing all this? You know, pandas sound like idiots. They sound like morons. Yeah. They just they eat the the bamboo. They are supposed to be eating meat. They just don't seem to get that. And because they're so adorable and cute, we don't want to believe that they're just were were too dumb to exist for very long. And they didn't have the, the, the, you know, reproduction, like they just seem like they were made, they were made by our creator, whatever that is, to not exist very long. They were not given the means to be around long. And humans are like, no, we got to save the pandas. And it's like, yeah, I get they look like they should be saved, but they seem like they just are not going to be around very long. And they're cute. So we've tried to keep them around. It's probably one of the only nice things we've done. One of the nice things we've done.

[00:24:20] Koji: Well, it sounds like pretty privileged, by the way.

[00:24:22] John: It does sound like pretty privilege.

[00:24:24] Dwayne: And I was I was thinking of a second theory, and I know you only get one theory.

[00:24:28] Cat: But I have a i have a, I have a second one.

[00:24:30] Dwayne: But it piggybacks on John's thing is, I think, okay, dogs, right, are like a variation of wolves, right? Cats are variation of big cats, like domestic cats. And so these are animals that like looked out into the wilderness and was like, fuck, we can't deal with that. We have to make ourselves look cute. So the humans will take us.

[00:24:54] John: In, right? They knew they didn't stand a chance with the means that they had.

[00:24:58] Dwayne: So, so once once, like the new World was discovered. And, uh, and like North American bears were a thing, you know, it was only a matter of time before someone was going to bring a panda bear over. And maybe someone did. And when a panda bear saw a black bear and a brown bear, that's when they said, you know what, let's just eat bamboo. Mhm. Let's chill. They instead of fighting with other bears and whatever that is, they decided to make themselves look cute.

[00:25:27] John: They basically went, look, guys. Gather around.

[00:25:30] Dwayne: Yeah, yeah.

[00:25:30] John: We have two options. We go out there, we definitely die.

[00:25:34] Dwayne: Right?

[00:25:35] John: We eat bamboo. We're around a little bit longer.

[00:25:38] Dwayne: Yeah. It's kind of like if any woman listening, uh, and I think this is a man, a men do this, like if you have a boyfriend and you ask him like, hey, babe, can you cut the tomatoes? And he's like, oh, no problem, babe. And he cuts them all stupid and wrong. And then you're like, oh, move, I'll do it. Now he never has to cut tomatoes again. You know what I mean?

[00:26:00] Koji: Weaponizing confidence. Yeah.

[00:26:01] Dwayne: I never heard of that. Is that what it's called?

[00:26:03] Koji: Yeah.

[00:26:03] Dwayne: That's crazy.

[00:26:04] Koji: Guys do it all the time.

[00:26:05] Dwayne: Oh, yeah. That's. That's what it's called. Did you know about this?

[00:26:08] John: No.

[00:26:08] Koji: Weaponized incompetence. Yeah.

[00:26:10] Dwayne: So? So that's what the pandas are doing. But with with cuteness with with.

[00:26:14] Koji: Can I just make sure before you go? Yes. This is something that we have to always talk about is the, the thing I always teach kids and students how to survive in the world. So it's if you ever run into bare black fight back Brown, lay down white, say good night.

[00:26:31] Dwayne: Right.

[00:26:32] Koji: That's this.

[00:26:33] John: what's the difference between what's the difference between. Lay down and say good night.

[00:26:37] Koji: No, no. Like lay down like you play dead in white. In white. You. You're dead. You're dead. Because white polar bears are like the apex predator. They don't. They don't care.

[00:26:46] Dwayne: There's a comic.

[00:26:47] Koji: There's nothing you can do.

[00:26:47] Dwayne: Whose name I can't remember. I wish I knew his name because we've worked together before too. I just can't think of his name right now. But he has a great joke about that.

[00:26:55] Koji: Oh, really?

[00:26:55] Dwayne: About how racist it is. Because, like, black bears, you know, dangerous Brown bear is dangerous. The most dangerous bear. Polar bear. They don't call it white bear, you know what I mean?

[00:27:06] Koji: Well. Well, the funny thing is, the funny thing is I was actually I was at a class and a student left the room and came back in the middle of it. And he thought I was talking about people. And I was like, no, no, we're talking about bears. We're talking about bears. We're not talking about people. And why would you fight back with black people and lay down for brown people? That doesn't make any sense. You know, like that doesn't make any sense.

[00:27:29] Cat: No. Um, what if they're fake? Because the World Wildlife Fund is a scam that's just trying to take our money.

[00:27:37] Koji: Allegedly. Allegedly.

[00:27:38] Cat: But I don't I don't hate that.

[00:27:42] Cat: Theory, but it is possible.

[00:27:44] Koji: Yeah, I like I like that one actually.

[00:27:46] John: I mean, yeah, it's like a, it's like a not just megachurch situation, you know?

[00:27:50] Dwayne: Right.

[00:27:51] Cat: There's a lot of theories to choose from.

[00:27:53] Koji: All right. So let's. 

[00:27:54] Dwayne: I didn't think we'd have this many, but we got some good ones.

[00:27:55] Cat: I mean, I, I honestly really liked the witness protection theory.

[00:27:59] John: They're just, well, they're humans and witness protection like, all right, you're gonna have to put this on. You got. You got in. You really fucked up. The mafia is after you and they're gonna find you. So Yeah, China and this. And you're like, oh, fine. You know.

[00:28:15] Koji: Okay.

[00:28:16] Cat: Okay, okay, okay, okay. That's a lot of theories. And,

[00:28:19] John: Or it could be also how people got away, you know, maybe people on the Epstein and. Jeffrey Epstein's actually just a panda bear.

[00:28:32] Cat: I mean, who knows? That's a lot of theories. So it's time now for us to pick the unofficial official story, the one that will answer this question once and for all. So which theory do we want to go with today? We get to vote.

[00:28:46] Koji: I'm gonna vote for John's I think. I think his is no, the one about, um, that they kind of got together. The pandas got together and decided that it's the best option is just to, you know, eat bamboo and look cute.

[00:28:59] John: They just, they just couldn't. Okay.

[00:29:00] Dwayne: What's that term?

[00:29:02] Koji: Oh. Pretty privilege.

[00:29:03] Dwayne: Oh, weaponized.

[00:29:04] Koji: Oh. Weaponized incompetence. Yeah.

[00:29:06] John: So basically the theory is that panda bears were too high maintenance to go out into the wilderness. And they were like, well, just like, figure it out here, you know?

[00:29:14] Koji: What about you, Cat? What are you voting on?

[00:29:16] Cat: I, I go with panda diplomacy.

[00:29:18] Koji: Oh, nice.

[00:29:19] Cat: Because I was going to be my theory. And then when you took it, I had to come up with aliens.

[00:29:23] Koji: Oh, I should have. I should have voted for mine. Okay, that's one one right now. Okay

[00:29:26] Dwayne: well, I go with, uh, John's then I, I kind of tweaked at the end a little bit. I helped, but weaponized incompetence. Or pretty privileged both. Yeah. I think it's both. I think they just, they couldn't, they couldn't survive out there. So they just, they just because think about it. If they didn't eat bamboo, they wouldn't be as cute.

[00:29:44] Koji: They're basically a generation X, but cute.

[00:29:46] Dwayne: Because you're not seeing them eat other animals. You're seeing them eat bamboo. You're like, oh, that's adorable. They, they're eating bamboo.

[00:29:52] Koji: I mean, it's the same with puppies. I mean, same with dogs, right? I mean, the what, what have dogs done? Their, their eyes are further apart. They have the whites on their eyes. Like they became cute so that humans take care of them.  i mean, it's like a, it's an evolutionary.

[00:30:03] John: Panda bears are actually just so la.

[00:30:09] Koji: All right. What are you voting for?

[00:30:11] John: I mean.

[00:30:11] Koji: You can vote for your own, too.

[00:30:13] John: I don't want to do that. Um.

[00:30:15] Koji: Yeah, I voted for him.

[00:30:16] Dwayne: So it's already two.

[00:30:18] Koji: Two.

[00:30:18] Dwayne: So. Yeah, unless you vote for Koji's.

[00:30:21] Cat: And then it's a tie.

[00:30:22] Koji: A tie, but. But just vote for you. I mean, you can vote for yours too.

[00:30:26] John: Yeah, I like my initial one, but I also think it's really funny that you said the wildlife was it is a scam. And they're just. So I'm gonna vote for that one because I think it's funny.

[00:30:37] Koji: That's fine. Okay.

[00:30:38] Dwayne: It's funny. It doesn't change.

[00:30:39] Koji: It doesn't change. Yeah.

[00:30:40] Cat: If I could vote a second time, I would vote for the witness protection. Yeah. A lot of good stuff.

[00:30:46] Koji: Yeah, yeah.

[00:30:48] John: Hey, forget about it.

[00:30:50] Koji: Okay.

[00:30:51] Cat: That's the official story. We'll take another quick break. And when we come back, we'll make you wonder what else isn't.

[00:31:04] Koji: All right. We've established that pandas might just be an elaborate corporate illusion. What famous historical figures do you think never actually existed and were just faked by the establishment? Shakespeare. Sun Tzu. Homer, what do you guys think?

[00:31:16] John: I mean, I got one that's pretty famous.

[00:31:20] Koji: Jesus.

[00:31:21] John: I mean.

[00:31:25] Dwayne: Now, are you are you Italian? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

[00:31:28] John: I, I you know, here's the thing. Someone that's completely made up or fabricated.

[00:31:35] Koji: It could be either.

[00:31:36] John: Because I don't, you know, maybe Jesus type guy existed.

[00:31:42] Koji: I mean, Jesus did exist, but maybe not.

[00:31:45] Dwayne: But they say the picture that we have of Jesus.

[00:31:47] Koji: Is not right.

[00:31:47] John: Of course that's not right. Jesus is black, so.

[00:31:52] Koji: Or he looks like Arab.

[00:31:53] John: Yeah, Arab, Arab actually more. Um, but someone else go first.

[00:32:00] Cat: I mean, I would say like, we could put every single religious figure in that.

[00:32:04] Koji: Not the Mormon guy, right? Not not not the Mormon guy who found the thing in the ground. Not that guy, though.

[00:32:10] John: Totally. Everybody else. It's almost too easy to to say that.

[00:32:13] Koji: Yeah.

[00:32:13] John: Because it's like.

[00:32:14] Koji: Wait, not the Scientology guy, too, who wrote the book.

[00:32:17] Cat: Well, we know he was those people who were alive when he was alive.

[00:32:21] John: But he could just be a panda bear type thing.

[00:32:25] Cat: It's just Tom cruise in a suit.

[00:32:27] John: Yeah. I mean, he does do that one character really well.

[00:32:30] Koji: And he's small. So,

[00:32:32] John: Tom.

[00:32:33] Cat: What if panda bears are just Tom Cruise?

[00:32:35] John: Wait, we gotta go back. We have another theory.Which came first, the Tom cruise or the panda bear?

[00:32:43] Cat: Who is to say.

[00:32:44] John: What if Tom cruise is just a panda bear?

[00:32:46] Cat: What if also, Nicolas Cage is because Nicolas Cage is immortal?

[00:32:49] Koji: Oh yes he is.

[00:32:50] John: Nicolas Cage could be.

[00:32:51] Dwayne: You know, I think the thing is, Shakespeare definitely existed. But I do like the idea of like.

[00:32:57] Cat: Well, some people say that all of his works are not really by him, that they're by someone like other people.

[00:33:03] Dwayne: I heard that, and that's what I'm thinking. Like it's it's like, uh, Princess bride where what was that guy? The, um.

[00:33:10] Koji: Andre the Giant?

[00:33:11] Dwayne: No, the famous pirate. Oh, and it was like, different. 

[00:33:14] John: Johnny Depp. I'm just kidding.

[00:33:15] Dwayne: People would assume. I forget the character's name, but, see, I like that idea that maybe. Oh, yeah, Shakespeare's like 20 different people who.

[00:33:24] Cat: Mhm.

[00:33:25] Koji: Mine is Banksy. I don't think.

[00:33:27] Dwayne: I like that.

[00:33:27] Koji: I don't think he's a real guy. I think it's like he's a graphic designer that like, originally it was meant to be like a joke, like a social satire. And then it like sold like shit. And he's like, oh God, it's working.

[00:33:38] John: I have one that's a little controversial. That's really. 

[00:33:41] Koji: More than Jesus.

[00:33:44] John: Into controversial because no one really saw the guy Osama bin laden.

[00:33:50] Cat: Oh, I knew you were gonna say that before you said it.

[00:33:53] John: Was that guy. Was that a real guy.

[00:33:55] Koji: Was the one that killed or.

[00:33:56] John: Just the one that, like, nine over 11?

[00:33:58] Koji: Well, I know, I know, but I mean, he existed. He was this he was a.

[00:34:01] John: I mean.

[00:34:02] Koji: Part of the royal family.

[00:34:04] John: Do we know that bin laden?

[00:34:06] Koji: Yeah, because we were on his side. We funded. We gave him all the weapons and stuff.

[00:34:11] Dwayne: But but.

[00:34:11] John: But but but is there a lot of like public, a lot of public.

[00:34:15] Dwayne: There's a lot of he had a lot of brothers and sisters.

[00:34:16] Koji: He did have a lot of brothers.

[00:34:17] John: Because there is like, really, are there really public with him and like, like, uh, who do we know who's actually met him?

[00:34:24] Dwayne: Yeah. It's kind of like, and I haven't read it yet, but we're talking about The Importance of Being Earnest, which is a play by what's his name, uh, Oliver Wild. And like, this guy has his alter ego and it's his excuse for doing things. He he, you know, he has like a, a brother that lives far away and he's got to go help him. And then he's like, I can't deal with it anymore. I'm just gonna kill my brother who doesn't exist. And so I think about that with Osama bin laden. There's a few videos.

[00:34:52] Koji: Yeah,

[00:34:52] John: There's a few videos.

[00:34:53] Dwayne: He's in a cave. And then we got him, you know?

[00:34:57] John: Yeah. 

[00:34:57] Koji: That's true.

[00:34:57] John: It looks like a lot of guys. He looks like a lot of guys. It's not. He's not distinct. Show me a mole.

[00:35:03] Koji: Show me.

[00:35:03] John: Show me a mole that looks like. That's like. That's his mole. We don't know.

[00:35:07] Cat: We didn't get to see the body.

[00:35:09] John: Nope. Well, yeah, that's a whole nother thing. Was there ever. But yeah.

[00:35:13] Cat: So here's mine that I who I think is fake, uh, Leonardo da Vinci. I think he's fake because he's good at too many things. Supposedly he was a painter, a sculptor.

[00:35:23] Koji: Inventor.

[00:35:24] Cat: Court entertainer, a set designer, a military engineer, a civic and hydraulic engineer and architect and anatomist, a botanist and a geologist.

[00:35:32] Koji: He sounds Asian.

[00:35:35] John: Or this dude just beef up his bio like I, you know.

[00:35:39] Cat: Like faking everything.

[00:35:40] John: I was like, yeah.

[00:35:41] Koji: It could be like Thomas Edison. I mean, Thomas Edison didn't invent like nine. Like he stole all the patents, right? He worked at, he worked at the patent office and he literally stole it like.

[00:35:52] Cat: Like comics who like, do a show where a famous person drops in and then they go, I open for Sarah Silverman. And really, Leonardo da Vinci was just like walking into offices. Inside of an engineering office. Therefore, I am an engineer and an architect firm.

[00:36:08] John: I feel back then, like back then you could just do that. I guess he is. And what else would he say it?

[00:36:13] Cat: You just go to another town.

[00:36:14] John: We need to prove it.

[00:36:15] Koji: And I still like he like I think he created the helicopter. I think or he I mean he drew he drew something that looked like he could have stole that. Right? I mean, nobody would know.

[00:36:23] Cat: I drew an iPhone. When I was little, so I guess I invented that.

[00:36:29] Dwayne: He could have time traveled.

[00:36:30] Koji: He could have time traveled. Yeah.

[00:36:32] John: There's so many people, I think biblical characters, shouldn't I? That's too easy to say. Like, um, who are the who are the two brothers that. 

[00:36:41] Koji: Cain and Abel?

[00:36:42] John: Yeah. It's like Cain and Abel. You know, it's like who I think didn't exist.

[00:36:46] Koji: Noah,

[00:36:46] John: Adam and Adam and Eve.

[00:36:48] Koji: Yeah. I mean, Noah's a big one.

[00:36:50] Dwayne: Noah.

[00:36:51] Koji: Yeah.

[00:36:52] John: Yeah, Noah's a big one.

[00:36:54] Cat: Yeah. All those. You know who I do think existed? The talking vegetables. Veggie tales, those are real.

[00:37:04] Koji: Oh, that documentary. I like that one. Yeah, that's my favorite.

[00:37:07] Cat: I don't know why my veggies don't talk anymore. That's crazy. Maybe.

[00:37:10] Koji: But I think the last episode we talked about them screaming when you eat it.

[00:37:14] Cat: Yeah. That's true.

[00:37:14] Dwayne: So like, they know you're eating.

[00:37:16] Koji: Yeah, they know you're eating it.

[00:37:17] Cat: You really squint your ears. You can hear the vegetables screaming Bible verses.

[00:37:22] John: Paul Revere.

[00:37:24] Cat: Okay. That one I think could be fake.

[00:37:26] Koji: Paul Revere existed.

[00:37:27] John: Yeah, he was a real guy. But was he a real guy?

[00:37:30] Koji: Yeah.

[00:37:30] Dwayne: Right. Did he really march through or did he send a black dude?

[00:37:34] John: Yeah.

[00:37:36] Dwayne: It's like at night. It's dangerous. Just go through. Tell him I said someone's coming. You know.

[00:37:42] Koji: If it doesn't work out, it's fine.

[00:37:43] Dwayne: Right? Right.

[00:37:43] Cat: Ben Franklin seems fake.

[00:37:46] Dwayne: He does. He does.

[00:37:47] Koji: We're just naming anybody in history.

[00:37:49] Cat: He's another one, like 50 different careers. You're like, oh, Ben Franklin invented calendars, and he invented dictionaries. And the.

[00:37:59] Dwayne: Electricity. Right?

[00:38:00] Cat: Yeah.

[00:38:00] John: I'm having a hard time believing Elon Musk is a real guy.

[00:38:06] Cat: I think he's an alien.

[00:38:07] Dwayne: Whoever's controlling him is.

[00:38:09] John: Doing a bad job.

[00:38:11] Cat: With his shirt off. Like he doesn't look human.

[00:38:13] John: No. He doesn't. Even the way he moves and then giggles when he's moving.

[00:38:16] Koji: I think it's just autism.

[00:38:18] John: I mean, yeah, maybe. 

[00:38:19] Koji: He's on the spectrum. He's hundred percent on the spectrum. 

[00:38:22] John: At best.

[00:38:24] Koji: Allegedly. Sorry. Allegedly. At best, he's allegedly functioning functional. There you go.

[00:38:29] John: Although he's gotten weirder over time, you see other videos of him. He was a little snakey, but now it's like he's full on. I don't know what. He's just really fallen into this weird.

[00:38:38] Koji: It's called drugs. Allegedly.

[00:38:40] John: Drugs. Yeah.

[00:38:40] Cat: I think he has something in his stomach, like he does.

[00:38:43] Koji: Allegedly.

[00:38:43] Cat: Like a regular.

[00:38:44] John: It's just something starts coming out of his stomach. It's an alien. It's a panda bear.

[00:38:48] Koji: It's a panda bear.

[00:38:51] Cat: Like the way his body is built. It looks like it's like a, you know, like a submarine or a spaceship has a container section for like, the creature that's inside, like the the little creature. He's an alien.

[00:39:02] John: They're hiding it in his body and they're not doing a good job of it. It's like there's obviously an alien hiding in his stomach.

[00:39:07] Dwayne: Well, thank you, John, for coming on with us. Please tell us where people can follow you.

[00:39:10] John: Thank you. Uh, I've got all the socials, you know, Facebook, uh, Instagram, TikTok, all that stuff. John Campanelli one. I've also got YouTube. Um, John Campanelli one go shoot the follow. Uh, and I got shows coming up. Come watch me live. All right.

[00:39:26] Koji: Yeah. Dwayne or Cat? Do you guys have anything you want to plug?

[00:39:28] Cat: Yes. So if you hear this and it is before July 24th and you live in Portland, come to my taping. I'm going to tape my special that day, July 24th at the Curious Comedy Theater. So yeah, I go to their website and you can get tickets. Um, do that. I will appreciate.

[00:39:47] Dwayne: It if you're in Los Angeles. I'm doing a show. It's called the Laugh Garden. Um, you can check my website.

[00:39:52] Cat: I did that show Last week.

[00:39:53] Dwayne: Yeah, I'm doing it on the, uh, July 16th and, um, have some shows in Arizona. August 21st and 22nd and they're on my website as well.

[00:40:05] Cat: Well, we truly appreciate your support and enthusiasm for our quirky, mysterious, and fun filled journey. Your curiosity and engagement make this podcast a joy to create. Stay tuned for more intriguing stories and remember to share, subscribe, and leave a review. Until next time, keep wondering and stay unofficially official.

[00:40:22] Koji: In the next episode, we'll be asking the question, Is Los Angeles hiding a species of subterranean reptiles?

[00:40:29] Dwayne: Definitely.

[00:40:30] Koji: We are the reptiles. What are you talking about? All right, thank you guys. Bye. 

[00:40:35] Dwayne: Bye.