S5E5 Is Wayfair secretly s*x trafficking kids?

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:00] Imagine you were naming the next furniture for Wayfair. Who would you name it after and why?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:05] Trump. What would a Trump furniture look like? Uh, whoa.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:09] Well, it depends. Like if I know about actual Trump, then I know it's going to be like gold and like, very gauche, very ornate, very shiny.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:16] I like that. Yeah, it would be something gaudy, but not worth a lot.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:20] Like it wouldn't be real gold. It would definitely be like fake gold made in China falls apart in two weeks.

Auggie Smith: [00:00:25] It'd be uncomfortable. It'd take up too much space. And Be there. Be there a lot longer than you want it to be for.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:33] Some reason and, like, grope you inappropriately and, like, how is the chair even doing this?

Auggie Smith: [00:00:38] Chair with a hand.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:41] But it would be a top seller. It'd be a top seller. Yes.

Auggie Smith: [00:00:45] Yeah. Best chair I've ever seen.

Cat Alvarado: [00:00:48] Like, I just love the surprise.

Auggie Smith: [00:00:49] Yeah. People are saying they've never sat in a chair. Like this before.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:52] Yeah. They're like, well chairs will be chairs, you know?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:00:56] What about you guys?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:00:57] I think I think I like the name Alison, and it will be. It would be like sort of a I don't know, I'm picturing like a thing, a tall thing, not a not a credenza. Maybe something like that though. And, uh, you could, you could hang up coats and in the bottom would be for shoes. But if there were no coats, that would also be a dart board, just, you know, so you could like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:19] It's very specific. And I want to know why. Allison.

Auggie Smith: [00:01:21] Why Allison, what did this Allison, do you need to throw darts at her

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:26] Well, also, because when you throw the darts at it, if you hit the bullseye, you can say, That's Elvis Costello song. It was a long way to go. I am sorry. I'll see myself out. I'll see myself out. Yeah. No, but I like. I like the name Allison. I think I can, I can believe in Allison or Allie. You know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:44] I'm gonna go with a very, like, anime. I would want it to be, like, Sailor Moon themed, and they'd all just be, like, different sailor, like Sailor Mars. Sailor Venus.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:01:52] Oh, okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:52] Oh, I like that. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:01:53] Jupiter. And then all the furniture would, like, kind of have the vibe of, like, that planet or like that Sailor Moon character.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:01:58] Oh, that's really nice.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:00] Auggie, what about you?

Auggie Smith: [00:02:01] Robert Mitchum?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:02] Okay, nice.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:03] Who wouldn't want to sit on Robert Mitchum?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:06] That's true.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:06] Don't you watch those old movies? What do you think? That guy looks comfortable.

Cat Alvarado: [00:02:10] Sounds like there's gonna be a hand that pops up and grabs me. Robert,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:14] That sounds like a. That's not a bad thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:15] Wait.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:16] Love and hate written on the. On the hand.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:18] Oh. That's right. He's the loving hate guy.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:19] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:20] Okay. Yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:20] The original one. That's not, uh, that. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:23] Spike Lee Right, right. Right, right. No, I know. Yeah. Robert Mitchum is solid. Yeah, he was great. I get him confused sometimes with the guy. The original Forensic Files guy, which I forget his name.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:34] Burt Lancaster.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:35] I don't know who was the original, I guess.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:37] Oh. Forensic files.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:38] The voice.

Auggie Smith: [00:02:39] Yeah. That guy's great. I can't imagine him getting confused with Robert Mitchum, though.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:44] Yeah, I don't know why. I know because I know, I know, they're completely different people,

Auggie Smith: [00:02:47] Right

Dwayne Perkins: [00:02:48] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:02:52] Welcome to the unofficial official story. This is episode four of season five. Join us as we dive into the quirky, mysterious, and bizarre. From unsolved mysteries to a peculiar pop culture phenomena, we uncover hidden stories and explore alternate realities. My name is Koji. The couch. I should have thought more about.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:10] Watch out, JD Vance is gonna come for you.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:13] And I would say I'm Dwayne Ottoman because, uh.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:17] That's a good one.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:18] Yeah, you could put your feet on me, uh, nicely. I can hold things, and I'm building an empire.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:23] Have you guys seen the video at the. At the stadium where the. The lady behind the guy is just putting their feet on the guy? Have you seen this?

Auggie Smith: [00:03:31] No.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:32] I'm like, just like she keeps putting her feet on him and his shoulder on her, like. Yeah, because I think I think she was pissed about something about, like, wanting the, like, wanting to switch seats.

Cat Alvarado: [00:03:39] She just assult, like, you could get arrested for that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:41] She got kicked out. But I was just like. And he did not hit her. And all I could think was, I can't believe he didn't turn around, just hit her. I was like, I know it's a woman.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:03:47] But if he did, people would have been like, he didn't have to do that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:50] Yeah, but I was just like, he was like, she was straight putting her feet on him. And he was just like, you know, like it was crazy.

Auggie Smith: [00:03:55] People at stadiums have gone mad.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:03:57] Yes

Auggie Smith: [00:03:58] I would love to go see a Raider game, but I'm never going to see a Raider game. I'm never going to see it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:03] Absolutely.

Auggie Smith: [00:04:03] Because they're lunatic. They're crazy people.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:06] Absolutely. I went to a soccer match in Sweden and I was just in Sweden. I was doing shows. I googled, I like going to, you know, soccer, football matches. And, uh, I asked some of the comics, like, what about this team's quite affordable? And they were like, ah, They were like. Uh, and and they were like, it's kind of like, uh, how do you say. They didn't say that, but they were like, it's it's it's, uh, they were describing it. And I was like, oh, it's like they're like the Raiders of Sweden. So and they, they were like, if if they were playing another in city, they were playing a Stockholm team, then don't go. But they weren't. So it was like, you got a shot. Wow. So we went.

Auggie Smith: [00:04:43] Sweden. Sweden.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:44] And that's what I'm saying.

Auggie Smith: [00:04:45] Has hooligans.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:46] Like how bad?

Auggie Smith: [00:04:47] Those must be the best looking hooligans in the world.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:04:49] I was like, how bad could it be? But I get there. It is terrifying dude. Yeah, because I'm sitting. It's soccer. I'm sitting next to the supporters. So they're singing all game. They are angry. The team is the team they end up tying. But they were kind of underperforming. They should have won. And yeah, like like I couldn't imagine if they were playing a rival. It felt very dangerous and none of the no other parts of Sweden felt dangerous. It was just nice. But something about that like stadium thing and rooting for your team. Yeah, it was just it was really dangerous. It felt dangerous.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:24] That's crazy. I in Sweden, one of the happiest countries.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:28] Yeah, not this team.

Auggie Smith: [00:05:29] Not those fans.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:30] And I think I can't, I have this. I bought the scarf too. If there's some initial, I think it's a a s k or something like that. But yeah, in Sweden they're the Raiders of Sweden, if that makes any sense.

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:40] Well, I'm Cat the rocking chair.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:43] Oh that's. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:05:43] Get it.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:05:45] That's good.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:05:46] It's August and that means students are packing up their lives and heading off to college. This month also marks the founding of Wayfair, now a go to source for back to school deals, especially. Dorm and apartment essentials for college bound students.

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:00] Are we being paid for this? Because I feel like we should get paid for this. That sounded like an ad.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:05] Well, well, hold on, hold on a second.

Auggie Smith: [00:06:07] Are you not doing an ad read right now?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:08] Well, I think we need to say some good things.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:06:11] So that's why this podcast is asking the important question is Wayfair secretly sex trafficking kids? Allegedly. And please, please don't sue us. Wayfair. Wayfair. We're just reporting something we read online, so don't worry.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:23] Wait, we're not propagating. We're reporting.

Auggie Smith: [00:06:26] We're not spreading the rumor.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:27] Yes.

Auggie Smith: [00:06:28] Things online. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:06:31] Everybody knows. 

Auggie Smith: [00:06:31] He took the time to write it down.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:06:34] But before we get into that, let's introduce our Auggie I don't know. Wow. That's literally it, says our comedian. You've heard him. Auggie Smith is an award winning stand up comedian known for his fast paced delivery and sharp social satire. He's the only comic to win both the San Francisco and Seattle comedy competitions in the same year. That's that's pretty impressive. And it's a long time favorite on the Bob and Tom show with appearances on Comedy Central and Last Comic Standing, Auggie continues to tour nationally, delivering smart, biting comedy that hits hard and fast.

Auggie Smith: [00:07:07] It's just difficult to listen to.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:09] Yeah, I know it's not even that long on paper. And I'm like, he's. I didn't look at him. I was like, I'm sure the show of making him one.

Auggie Smith: [00:07:16] It sure would have said, is that I'm an old drunken road hack. That is a queaked out a living since 1992.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:24] Is that how long you've been doing it?

Auggie Smith: [00:07:26] Well, I've been doing a lot of that. My first open mic was when I was 19, 1989.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:07:30] Wow.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:30] Right. And you got started getting paid in 1992?

Auggie Smith: [00:07:33] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:34] Which is really fast.

Auggie Smith: [00:07:35] Well, my first actual paid gig, uh, was my second week of doing stand up comedy, and I didn't know that you couldn't do other people's stuff.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:43] That's hilarious.

Auggie Smith: [00:07:44] So, because this is Billings, Montana, nobody's there to tell me anything else, right? And I'm, like, supposed to be hosting the open mic, but nobody showed up, so I filled like 45 minutes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:53] That's crazy.

Auggie Smith: [00:07:55] Not my 45 minutes.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:07:57] Who did you borrow from?

Auggie Smith: [00:07:58] Uh, Mr. Bobby Slayton. Oh, and you've never. I've never really appreciated Bobby Slayton material until you've heard it out of the mouth of a 19 year old boy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:10] And. And when did you come to the the realization or the understanding that you couldn't use other people's material?

Auggie Smith: [00:08:16] About two years ago.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:17] That's funny.

Auggie Smith: [00:08:20] A guy finally told me this isn't how it's done, man. And I'm like, well, excuse me. And he didn't. That's that. That's an old reference.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:08:29] Did you always want to be a comedian?

Auggie Smith: [00:08:31] Uh, yeah. That's the weird thing about me is I did. I had a TV in my room, and I'd stay up every night, and I'd watch. I'd watch Carson and Letterman and wait for the comedians to come on. And I didn't think there was such thing as bad standup comedy. I thought it was all only good because I never saw anybody that I didn't enjoy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:48] That's a good point.

Auggie Smith: [00:08:49] And so I was like, wow, this is the greatest art form there's ever been. Books sometimes suck, and movies are occasionally not good. And but stand up is always fantastic.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:08:59] Well, you're watching the five minutes.

Auggie Smith: [00:09:01] The best.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:01] Five minutes they have.

Auggie Smith: [00:09:03] Of all the best comics.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:04] That was approved by a team of people, you know. That's really cool.

Auggie Smith: [00:09:07] It was funny. So I remember some of the sets. I remember I saw Blake Clark about 1986 goes on Johnny Carson, and I remember the set like, I loved it so much that it just sort of burned in my head. And so now we cut 40 years later, I'm friends with his son.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:23] Oh, that's so cool.

Cat Alvarado: [00:09:25] Cool.

Auggie Smith: [00:09:25] And I was like, yeah, I remember these jokes and yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:09:28] Oh, that's really cool. Yeah, I remember seeing Charles Cozart on TV. I worked at toys R us, and, uh, me and my buddy, we would get off work, get home in time to, like, watch Showtime at the Apollo. And then they would throw on some comedy at the end of that, like a different show. And we saw Charles Kosar and we always quoted him. We thought he was hilarious. When I finally moved to LA. Ten, 20 years later, I met Charles Kosar and he was really cool. And so but he was like he was the one. I've met a lot of people, but he was the one I was most starstruck by.

Auggie Smith: [00:09:56] Isn't it interesting? Like the the people that inspire people in stand up comedy are not always the people that you'd think. Absolutely. I know many, many comedians whose favorite comedian is Bob Newhart. And it's because and that they've formed their style because of him. And you wouldn't think that when you think great stand up comedians, you think about Newhart. Absolutely. And like with me, it's Slayton. I just I absolutely love Bobby Slayton.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:17] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:18] So how did you sleep your way to the top?

Auggie Smith: [00:10:23] One at a time. It's been a grind, let me tell you.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:10:29] You have to do what you have to do.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:32] You have to do what you have to do. So. Yeah. What's it what's the scene like now for you? How has it changed? We're talking a little bit about it earlier.

Auggie Smith: [00:10:39] Well, it's when I was a young man I did young man material, and, you know, I was I was going to make him think, man, they weren't just going to laugh. I was going to say something.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:10:48] Right? Right.

Auggie Smith: [00:10:50] Because I know better than them. I'm a 27 year old road comic with a roommate. What are these idiots? No, not as much as me.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:01] Oh my God. That's me right now. I'm gonna change everybody.

Auggie Smith: [00:11:08] You know, when a comedian dies, they say, uh, he's making God laugh now. No, I want to make God think.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:15] That's really funny. Like, God is like. You know what I never thought.

Auggie Smith: [00:11:21] And, uh, my act, uh, like, um, 25 years ago, uh, was very what you'd call probably libertarian. Now, um, I advocated for no laws or rules of any kind, and I did it in a satirical fashion, and I was it was very energetic. Uh, I was young and I was beautiful. I stayed in good shape. I wore bowling shirts. I was the first guy to wear bowling shirts, by the way. Okay. I was the first. Where's my documentary, man?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:11:46] We got a stamp that because I was a bowling shirt guy, too. So what? What was? My first album. I have a bowling shirt on.

Auggie Smith: [00:11:54] I'm gonna.

Cat Alvarado: [00:11:55] This is such an old 90s guy conversation.

Auggie Smith: [00:11:58] Around 93. I started wearing bowling shirts.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:00] Okay, you got me beat.

Auggie Smith: [00:12:01] And I never saw one before that, so.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:02] You got me beat. Plus, I can't fully say that I started wearing them before Kramer, so Kramer might have been my. 

Auggie Smith: [00:12:09] Kramer. Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:10] My inspiration.

Auggie Smith: [00:12:11] Who's also an inspiration in stand up comedy? I've heard. Right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:14] Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I'm dropping N bombs like crazy.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:20] I got in this LinkedIn fight with somebody who was like, uh, he was this Japanese guy from Japan, and he said Hulk Hogan was this great guy, and he might have said some controversial things. And I was like, no, he said the N-word with a hard R. And he's that super racist.

Auggie Smith: [00:12:35] There's no two sides to that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:12:37] He was just racist. And he's like, you know, he called me and he was all angry. I was like, no, he was just a racist. I don't care what you have to say to me. Like.

Auggie Smith: [00:12:43] Yeah, well. And then the other thing, his last public appearance was at that alligator Alcatraz. That's the last. The last picture taken in front of these poor, starving people.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:12:54] Right. But me and my nephew, we were just talking about this. And, uh, shout out to my nephew Angel. The thing about also what Hulk Hogan's problem is. He didn't leave us great music. You know what I mean? So, like, you ever notice how everyone's like, fuck r Kelly.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:13:09] Yeah,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:09] But Michael Jackson, everyone's like, hey, hey, hey. Like, they still play Michael Jackson on all the all the stations. Even though what he did was maybe worse than what R Kelly did. And I think Hulk Hogan is like you picked up Andre the Giant. That's great.

Auggie Smith: [00:13:25] Right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:25] But we're not going to forgive you now had you made 3 or 4 great albums. We would be we'd be able to look past it.

Auggie Smith: [00:13:33] Yeah. If you're Woody Allen and you have a your film catalog.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:36] It's the gift that keeps giving. But you, you we I saw you, you slammed Andre the Giant. That was great. It just doesn't absolve you. I don't think I, I don't I didn't need to, like, sum up what his life was, though. I just he died. That's fine. I didn't.

Cat Alvarado: [00:13:48] Even have a one trick pony that I.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:50] Didn't need to say it one way or the other.

Auggie Smith: [00:13:51] He didn't grow artistically either. He sort of debuted at his best. Like, Thunder Lips was the best he ever was.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:13:59] Absolutely.

Auggie Smith: [00:14:00] And then he's just slowly went down from there.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:02] And he told the little Hulk maniacs to eat their vitamins and everything. But he didn't grow. He wasn't like probiotics.

Auggie Smith: [00:14:10] Make sure you get your fiber.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:13] Take your AG one.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:15] Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:16] That's pretty funny.

Auggie Smith: [00:14:18] Drink a lot of water when it gets hot.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:20] Right? Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:21] All right, let's get started.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:22] Stop laughing.

Auggie Smith: [00:14:25] Brain health is important as physical health.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:30] Let's get down to business.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:32] All right let's do it

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:33] To defeat the Huns. Oh, no. Just kidding. That's a Mulan reference. Fine. Okay. Nobody else is a millennial here.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:41] Oh, quick. Quick question.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:43] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:43] What do you feel about periods in text messages?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:45] Me I thought you meant periods. Like the period.

Auggie Smith: [00:14:49] I'm against them.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:50] No.

Cat Alvarado: [00:14:54] No. That is a weird letter.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:14:55] It's a waste. It's a waste of eggs.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:14:57] I don't flow like that. But anyway, um. No periods and text messages. Are they bad.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:03] They do feel really strong. Like, if someone includes a period at the end, it's like, wow, okay, fuck me, then you hate me. Great.

Auggie Smith: [00:15:10] I only recently Cat found out about this. I've been putting periods in forever because I'm not a lunatic. You're writing something to somebody else. There should be some punctuation in there. It's not just one run long run on.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:25] I think when millennials text each other, it's like a conversation like, oh yeah, haha. That's funny. And oh yeah, well, I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah, sure. Like it's just like ongoing because it's dialogue.

Auggie Smith: [00:15:34] You don't know if it's a question or not. You can't put anything.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:37] If it's a question, you put a question mark.

Auggie Smith: [00:15:38] The sentence is over a new sentence. I have a new thought now.

Cat Alvarado: [00:15:41] If you put a period, it's like that's the end of the conversation. Now, if I say something else, I'm like reopening it. And like, what if you meant like, hey, I'm gonna go do something now.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:15:52] But my question is, how did you guys hijack the period to make it mean something that it never meant before? Not you guys, but people in general. Like.

Auggie Smith: [00:15:59] No, I mean you specifically.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:01] No way can we get back to the periods of of the flow.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:06] Uh, we were never really on that, but yeah,

Auggie Smith: [00:16:08] We. We all we all want to post menopausal world. That's cool.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:15] I just was wondering where you stood on it because, uh, I don't know. Are you a millennial?

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:19] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:19] Okay, so I feel like Gen X, they don't like the periods.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:23] Don't look at me. I'm

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:24] At the end of, um.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:25] I'm a xenical.

Auggie Smith: [00:16:26] I didn't even text to, like, five years ago.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:28] Yeah, yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:16:29] You know.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:29] So. Just, um.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:30] I just sent dick pics to everybody.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:32] Right? And did you put a period? This is the end of that conversation. Don't respond.

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:42] Honestly, if a guy starts responding to me with periods at the end of the sentence. I'm like, oh, he doesn't like me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:47] Oh, wow.

Cat Alvarado: [00:16:47] Like I totally it's the opposite of flirting.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:16:49] If you ask him. What if he says like, oh, it's it's just, uh, what if he says, I'm so sorry? I'm it's just the thing I do. I don't mean anything by it. Then does that ease it?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:16:58] What if he's an English major? What if he's a major?

Auggie Smith: [00:16:59] What if a 70 year old professor?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:02] Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:03] Well that's different.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:05] What about a 46 year old Japanese American screenwriter? 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:09] What if what if, like, his, um. He had a military dad that beat him every time he didn't use correct punctuation?

Auggie Smith: [00:17:17] Yeah,

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:17] I guess it'd just be a missed love connection. Just not pick up on that. Like somebody with autism not picking up on humor. I just won't know they're flirting. I'll be like, this person hates me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:27] All right, let's get started.

Auggie Smith: [00:17:29] Now, they'll never find love.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:31] I gotta look back and see if we ever put periods in our group chat.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:34] Is that why I'm single? And people are flirting with me? But they're using periods. I'm like, everyone hates me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:17:39] What if it's all periods? This whole thing is just period.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:41] Well, then that's an ellipsis.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:17:43] Right? Right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:44] Then I'm just waiting.

Auggie Smith: [00:17:45] To be continued.

Cat Alvarado: [00:17:46] All right, all right, you guys. Uh, so this is our current official story. Wayfair. Founded in 2002, is an online dropshipping retailer with a vast selection of home goods ranging from furniture to home decor. Before Amazon entered the home goods market, Wayfair was a top seller known for its massive discounts and high quality products.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:08] One of its key strengths is its partnerships with major brands, including All Modern and Birch Lane, among others, which significantly attribute to the quality of their products.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:18:16] While Wayfair is a highly successful company with much praise, it has also received some negative feedback on its furniture, including broken pieces, incorrect orders, and mix ups. Period. Damn you. Koji! Um. More negative reviews began piling in until one day on June 14th, 2021, the company became the center of one of the internet's trending scandals.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:38] Do do do do

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:40] One of the most unsettling rumors tied to the company involved alleged connections to illegal activity, specifically child trafficking.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:49] It's probably one of the worst illegal activity. I mean,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:18:52] It's horrible.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:53] I mean, besides murder.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:18:55] Just a little bit worse than double parking.

Cat Alvarado: [00:18:59] As disturbing as this sounds. Online communities have compiled so-called evidence that takes the speculation to an even darker place.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:19:08] It all started with a post in the conspiracy subreddit, where user claimed that Wayfair was tracking their trafficking children through overpriced items. They found it odd that various products, including pillows, cabinets, shower curtains and more were listed for tens of thousands of dollars. However, the most suspicious aspect of this was that the names of these overpriced items corresponded to those of missing children from various countries around the world.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:32] Get out of Washington. But not. But here's the thing with that is that if you care, or if you want to make that statement or make that correlation, someone's gotta pull together some money and pay $10,000 for a pillow and then see what shows up.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:46] This is true.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:19:47] Right. Otherwise, you just don't step out there, pay the ten grand, and then if you just get a pillow, then you just put a $10,000 pillow anyway. You know what I mean? You gotta see it through.

Cat Alvarado: [00:19:57] You could even return it.

Auggie Smith: [00:19:58] You're saying there's some holes in this?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:20:00] No.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:01] Right. Right. But but they they did have these pillows on their side for ten grand. They said it was an error. So then what happens if I buy the pillow? Are you're just going to just be like, send me a pillow and then take ten grand from me?

Auggie Smith: [00:20:14] The thing that I understood about this,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:16] Yes

Auggie Smith: [00:20:17] Was that when Wayfair runs out of something, they price it at an unreasonable number. Like if they're out of the pillows, instead of saying, we don't have the pillow, they say, you can have the pillow, but it's $10,000.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:29] Like, sometimes when you don't want to do a gig.

Auggie Smith: [00:20:30] Is Richard Jenkins. The Richard Jenkins pillow is what they call it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:34] Wait, who's that again?

Auggie Smith: [00:20:35] Out of Toledo, Ohio. No, I was making it. Okay. Uh, so I think that's the idea. Dwayne, I could be wrong on this one, though.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:43] No, I see what you're saying, like, when we do a gig, if you don't want to do a gig, you price it crazy and.

Auggie Smith: [00:20:48] You say, I charge $75,000 a night.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:50] Right?

Auggie Smith: [00:20:50] And then somebody says, yes, and you're like, oh, I'd better be good.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:20:54] Yeah, yeah. And so the rumor took flight with many users posting their observations and theories on different social media platforms. Screenshots and other images began to appear on the internet one by one, each one featuring images of missing children, their names, and the overpriced furniture being used as a means to obtain that child.

Cat Alvarado: [00:21:12] Hmm. Other users have found that the skew numbers on the suspected products display an image of a child when put into a Yandex, a Russian search engine. Further fueling the controversy, these users criticized Wayfair and its work values in response to this controversy.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:31] Well, some of the missing children I read about this, I looked into this and some of them were not missing. Some of them were, but it had nothing to do with that. Or they were found after, you know, they they just ran away for a day or two. And this one guy who says, if you put any name in like your first or last name, there's going to be someone with that name who's missing. You know, I would try to, um, Russian thing, but I can't mess with a Russian search engine. I can't.

Auggie Smith: [00:21:54] Yeah, I know.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:55] I just.

Auggie Smith: [00:21:55] Can't start that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:21:56] Yeah. And so Yandex is only one k away from being something completely different. So anyway, you know what I mean. Like, yeah, the Codex, because it's missing. Anyway, let's let's move on. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:10] Even when Wayfair claimed that these claims had no solid evidence, the internet would not listen, it got so out of hand that throughout the entire fiasco, the National Human Trafficking Hotline got hundreds of reports regarding Wayfarers alleged sex trafficking.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:22] What influencers. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:24] I never Knew there was a hotline that's that tells you something.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:26] I call it all the time on you.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:28] Right, right. Right. Right. As you should.

Cat Alvarado: [00:22:29] Yeah. Influencers, online communities and even political candidates continue to capitalize on the Wayfair controversy, each trying to leverage the drama. One political candidate even claimed that this whole affair was linked to a secret campaign by President Trump during his first term.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:22:45] And to be clear, there's zero evidence that any of this is really happening.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:22:50] Now it's time to settle this argument once and for all. After this commercial, we'll decide whether this rumor is true or a hoax. Let's let's give our theories.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:01] All right. Let's go. Cat, why don't you give your theory first?

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:03] I mean, it's super obviously, like, it's it's not true. I think that the names of the furniture are, like, really common names, like Ashley and Amanda and.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:12] You know, an Ashley and Amanda.

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:14] I do.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:23:15] Oh my God.

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:15] Crazy. So, like, yeah, it's gonna come up in a missing person's database. Like, if it was something really unique, like if it was a person who was named, like armchair table lady Ashley, like, and it was all together, and then you put that whole thing into the missing person's index, and that whole thing came up. You'd be like, wow, what a unique name. I guess they are trafficking children, but it's not that. Um, okay, but here's my silly theory. I think that that there is a lot of shenanigans happening at the Wayfair company. I think it's like absolutely chaotic. They have terrible leadership and that, like, maybe like one guy is is like maybe trying to traffic people, but like, he's really bad at it. So it's not actually happening.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:23:59] Mhm.

Cat Alvarado: [00:23:59] I think there's somebody who thinks it's funny to price things super high for no reason. It's just like getting a kick out of it. Uh, I also think the furniture and shit that they're shipping is falling apart because they're bad at their job. Um, I actually got a cookie jar from I get a set of cookie jars from Wayfair, and they would all break like chips of plaster on these, like, ceramic cookie jars, which just flake off and, like, cut you when you were standing near. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:25] Inside. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:26] On the outside.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:27] Okay. Well, they didn't damage the cookies.

Auggie Smith: [00:24:29] Did you say a set of cookie jars? So it's not one jar. This is a family of jar. Do they get increasingly smaller?

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:39] Yes they did.

Auggie Smith: [00:24:39] Yeah,

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:40] Of course, they're really cute.

Auggie Smith: [00:24:41] For the size of the cookies.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:42] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:42] Now what? Cookies? Let's see how you grade your cookies. What cookie would you have in the bigger one? And then the smaller one is.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:50] It's crazy. I actually had dog treats in all of my cookie jar.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:24:54] Oh I see.

Cat Alvarado: [00:24:55] So some were like the big bully sticks, and then some were like the tiny little training treats.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:01] I'm going oatmeal raisin in the big jar.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:25:03] Oh that's terrible.

Auggie Smith: [00:25:04] Well, it's the biggest cookie.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:05] Yeah. Then I'm going to chocolate chip. Then I probably would go. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:09] Mini Oreos I would do that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:11] No, maybe. But I would probably go peanut butter or ginger cookie.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:17] Okay.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:17] Yeah. It's like a ginger molasses.

Auggie Smith: [00:25:20] Okay. Here. My ranking would be. My ranking would be M&M cookie.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:26] M&m cookie

Auggie Smith: [00:25:27] And then chocolate chip, and then my mother's ashes, and then dog treats. And try not to get them mixed up, for God's sake.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:36] I have a.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:25:36] Solid.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:37] Cookies and dog treats made out of your mother's ashes.

Auggie Smith: [00:25:39] Oh my gosh, this is great. We can sell them on Wayfair.

Cat Alvarado: [00:25:44] Yeah, no. But seriously though, I think Wayfair sent me haunted cookie jars because here's what happened. So I told you the the plaster would break off the outside and it cut my boyfriend. And then it cut me, and I had the little pieces of plaster there on the on the dresser and my cabinet. Whatever. My mom comes over, she goes, what happened? And I said, they just spontaneously broke. And she goes, oh, that's because somebody sent you a curse and it missed and it hit the cookie jar.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:09] What did Wayfair send you the curse.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:10] You mean like a curse? Like a laser that you ducked down and it hit the cookie?

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:14] Basically. Yeah, yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:26:15] lIKE Harry Potter.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:16] Yeah. This is like a common belief in a lot of, like, Caribbean, uh, like cultures of, like, curses and like. Yeah, if something spontaneously breaks near you because someone sENT it to you.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:26] What would be the curse? Oreo. Velasco. You know what I mean.

Auggie Smith: [00:26:31] May you have no stuffing.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:33] Tabasco Tapatio.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:35] And how much is this cookie jar cost, by the way?

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:37] Um, I want to say like. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:39] $10,000.

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:39] The set probably cost me like $40, and they were haunted or cursed or something.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:26:44] I think that's way fair. Anyway, I found I don't know what's happened to me today. I don't think I slept enough last night.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:26:50] Okay,

Cat Alvarado: [00:26:51] So to summarize my theory, I think that it's chaotic. I think there's a bunch of mayhem happening. There's also not only some guy who's trying to traffic kids sometimes, but also like a witch who's cursing the cookie jars. And then, just like.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:06] So maybe the witch is like, also online getting this, this rumor out there.

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:11] Maybe.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:11] Maybe it's a proactive witch. Like, you can't leave this thing only to the broom. It's a chance you got. Actually, you know what I mean?

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been. It's like Willy Wonka, but the furniture place, there's, like, little people being killed inside the factory.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:24] I like it,

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:27:25] Okay. Go ahead. Do you want to go Dwayne?

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:26] Wait, wait. I want to change my theory. Okay? My theory is like, okay, it's Willy Wonka, that's what it is. And these bad behaving children, and they're the ones being put into the furniture.

Auggie Smith: [00:27:37] Wouldn't you feel pissed off, though, if you paid like 40 grand for a kid? And then they were an asshole and it's like, oh, I got this fat German that just keeps eating all the chocolate. You know.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:48] That'd be horrible.

Auggie Smith: [00:27:49] If Fairuza Balk or whatever her name was

Cat Alvarado: [00:27:52] You just mixed up like three of them.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:27:55] So here's what I think. And and here's the thing. This this rumor was actually for Wayfair, a blessing in disguise because it got people distracted from what they were really doing. And you couldn't prove that this since this rumor wasn't true. They were like, fine, prove it. But what they were really doing and not the whole company. Maybe someone at the company, like you said, someone was actually selling drugs.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:19] Oh,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:19] Because.

Auggie Smith: [00:28:20] Um.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:20] Like $19,000 a person costs way more than that, right? Um, not that I know exactly, but you can do the math.

Cat Alvarado: [00:28:30] It depends on the person.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:32] But you can do the math. If you're like sex trafficking someone there, probably you're gonna make 10 million.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:28:38] Why? Why are you looking at me?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:39] No, no, I'm just saying it's in general. So 19 grand doesn't even begin to cover what a person.

Auggie Smith: [00:28:46] No.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:46] A Person that. 

Auggie Smith: [00:28:47] All the trouble you went through.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:28:48] That you can, you know. Yeah. Like, that's probably like you probably get that off the first time you, you know, rent out their services. And I know that's putting that in a way that's not as hard as it is. 

Auggie Smith: [00:29:01] You should be a defense attorney, right. Your honor, when my client was renting out the services of the young lady.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:29:11] Are you. Are you listening? Trump. That's a that's what you should be saying.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:14] So 19 grand, but 19 grand is enough for certain types of drugs. If pillow filled with H or, you know, in a certain amount of. Uh.

Auggie Smith: [00:29:24] I think you can real high for 19 grand.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:26] Yeah. So, so I think.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:27] I mean, it wouldn't be the first time because I think in the show Narcos, they said like the the Colombians were smuggling cocaine in, like, boats.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:34] Yeah. So people, you know, if you like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:29:37] Like the boat was made out of it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:29:38] Right, right. There's all types of things. Like the actual thing can be reprocessed and, um. Or you can, like, um, just know that whoever paid that wants a certain amount of drug. You know what I mean? And the thing, too, is that, like, I watch these custom shows, and when people come through customs and they've got all these weird things in their bags and all this craziness, it's always something like, they'll they'll just destroy your thing right there. But this is being shipped and it looks like a pillow. You know, you can probably wrap it with a dog's can't, you know, it's a pillow and you wrap it inside with something. You got coffee beans to mask the smell. So it was, um, someone that Wayfair was selling drugs through this operation, and they were more than happy when this, uh, trafficking thing took, took hold because it was like.

Auggie Smith: [00:30:24] Yeah, that's so ridiculous. Nobody will believe that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:27] Right, exactly.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:28] Oh, interesting. Okay. All right, so before I get into my theory, I just think it's funny that you brought in somebody allegedly your nephew,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:37] Right? That's right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:39] And you're the one who knows about the prices. Okay.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:43] 19,000 is too low.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:45] Right?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:30:45] I mean, it seems like a lot of information, and I'm not gonna, I don't know. I'm just.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:49] That's true. That's true. When you look a little bit of like. And I mean.

Cat Alvarado: [00:30:53] I don't know what the implication of that is.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:30:55] My Sister's son. My sister's son. Anyway go ahead. Yes.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:01] Okay. So my actual theory, though, is that it's happening, but.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:05] Wow.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:06] But the problem was. They just, you know, how, like, Amazon wanted to do the, you know, like, the drone thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:11] And they have that technology.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:13] Yeah. But at the time when they first started talking about they didn't have it. So they wanted to be the first on the child trafficking market. They they saw that as an opportunity to get some extra money and really take over the market, kind of like at Amazon except for child trafficking. And they read about Pizzagate. They read about, you know, QAnon. And they wanted the QAnon audience. So. But the problem was that they just couldn't figure out how to put them in those, like, you know, those annoying USPS boxes that are like, you know, they're like set. And if you if you get it in there, it's cheaper than if you have to like, put them in like a bigger box.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:44] You're thinking they're shipping the kids with the with the thing.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:47] No, no, they were just trying to stuff them in the kids. Yes, but they couldn't get it to work.

Cat Alvarado: [00:31:51] Inside the furniture.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:52] No. Inside the boxes of the USPS stuff.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:31:55] I see, I see.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:31:56] But then eventually what ended up happening was they just couldn't get it to right. And then they're like, this was just an internet conspiracy,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:00] Okay? Because they failed.

Cat Alvarado: [00:32:01] It was intended.

Auggie Smith: [00:32:02] It was it was under the plan, but the kid wouldn't fit in the box.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:06] Yes. That's. 

Auggie Smith: [00:32:07] Right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:08] The the. 

Auggie Smith: [00:32:09] That's the old story of show business, isn't it? You just gotta fit in the box, man.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:15] They just. I mean, it's really annoying. I mean, if you've ever had to ship things and you couldn't get in that the preset boxes, it just. It's way more expensive.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:21] Sometimes the magicians will have to change their assistant because they can't fit in the box to, uh, cut in half.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:27] And they already bought these kids some from wherever, and they kidnapped them and they couldn't just get another job.

Auggie Smith: [00:32:31] And you can only cut somebody in half once. It's a really good bit, but you gotta get somebody new every time.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:38] So what did they do with these kids that they didn't they they couldn't use.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:42] Well, they just released them. That's why one of the people looked them up later. They were found because they just I mean, they're. You know,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:32:48] And they never said we're Wayfair. So they're like, I don't know who had me.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:32:51] Yeah. Could have been anybody. Perhaps Auggie What's your theory?

Auggie Smith: [00:32:55] Well, I think you're ready to talk about this, guys. Uh, as some of you know, I have three children, and, uh, we bought them all from furniture stores.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:33:06] Which one? Which furniture store?

Auggie Smith: [00:33:07] Well, it it started out, uh, ten years ago. You know, we were trying to have, uh, kids, and it wasn't going well. And after a while, you just get tired of having sex with each other, you know? And so I was looking there was an ad. There was a furniture store on Van Nuys. Uh, that looks like a top hat. And it was a going out of business. And then I saw this credenza that was way overpriced. Like, if we're going out of business, it was like $700. And it should have been like 400.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:33:33] Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:33:34] So I said to my wife, I said, they're probably selling kids. And we should jump on this because they are going out of business. So I don't know how long this is going to be happening for. Uh, so we went down there and we bought my first child, Porter, uh, after that, because, uh, when we had a child, when I was 50, that seemed ridiculous. But it only was possible because Wayfair, for one, I'd like to thank them for my family. And I don't know why everybody got to hate man.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:03] Right. Because. So I guess your theory, if I could sum summarize to one, it seems like you're saying for the right price, all furniture stores will provide you a child.

Auggie Smith: [00:34:14] Like you think you can make money off selling an end table. I mean, there's no profit margin there.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:34:20] It's like those mattress stores. Who buys the mattress?

Auggie Smith: [00:34:22] Who buys furniture? Nobody.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:25] Absolutely. And then. 

Auggie Smith: [00:34:26] You see it on the side of the road, you pick it up, you bring it home. You got yourself some furniture?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:30] Absolutely. In the second kind of related theory is that it's really not trafficking, but just more of a way to cut through the bureaucracy associated with adoption.

Auggie Smith: [00:34:40] Right. And which is which takes a year. And there's all kinds of paperwork. You go blind doing paperwork, you do background checks. And I don't want people looking back there.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:52] I like that's that's theory. I like it because it's like the kids end up in a good home.

Auggie Smith: [00:34:57] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:34:57] It's not like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:34:58] Yeah, why is it happening?

Auggie Smith: [00:34:59] Yeah. We're not going to have them make iPhones,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:01] Right? Right.

Auggie Smith: [00:35:04] We're going to Knott's Berry Farm, man. Right. We go to the waterpark tomorrow. Come on, let's go.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:09] Well, it's time for us to pick the unofficial official story. One that will answer this question once and for all. So which story do we want to go with today?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:35:17] Guys, I say Auggies,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:19] I say Auggies. Yeah I say now I will say the one I wasn't, I was going to combine. Some people say uh, the high prices are for, like, money laundering or like, people in government agencies who want to like, you know, buy the $9000 pillow and then split it with them. It's, you know, a way of like sort of using, using your budget and stealing money.

Cat Alvarado: [00:35:39] So I think that's like lowkey that. Yeah. I think okay, realistically I think that's it that are drugs but for fun Auggies.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:46] So it's which is we're saying Wayfair and all furniture.

Auggie Smith: [00:35:50] And all furniture stores.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:51] Offer affordable.

Auggie Smith: [00:35:53] Especially a waterbed store. You ever see one of those. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:56] Options? Yes.

Auggie Smith: [00:35:57] There ain't no waterbed in that house.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:35:58] It's basically an adoption agency.

Auggie Smith: [00:36:00] Yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:01] Nothing sinister. Yeah, I like it. I actually really like. I wish that would. It's way better than the alternative.

Auggie Smith: [00:36:08] Which is crappy furniture.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:10] Right. All right, guys, and that's the official story. We'll take another break and we'll take a look at other shopping related conspiracies.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:22] Here are other shopping related conspiracies that we found. Tell us yay or nay, if you believe them or not. All right. So the Mattress Firm mystery. This is the conspiracy too many stores. Too few customers. Some believe Mattress Firm is a front for money laundering. Why is this suspicious? People notice multiple stores clustered in the same street corners, often empty. Yay or nay?

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:40] Yay. And here's why. I once went into one, and there were bugs. Like dead bugs on the sample mattresses. I'm like. Is that how long nobody's been here?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:36:48] That's crazy.

Auggie Smith: [00:36:50] I know a lot of people. I'll bet in my life I've met thousands of people I don't know one person that's ever bought a mattress from Mattress Firm.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:36:56] I have

Cat Alvarado: [00:36:57] I have.

Auggie Smith: [00:36:57] Okay, well, I know two people. Which is only half of the people here. I don't think so. How could they do a business?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:03] Not only are they always empty, they're always so well lit for some reason. It's like, look, we're open. You know, get off our backs. It's just a way of.

Cat Alvarado: [00:37:12] Like, trying to hard. 

Auggie Smith: [00:37:15] Enough stuff. Hook it up. I like this.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:19] It's like midnight in a mattress store is super lit. It's like. What is going on here? Like, you know, is it like people, sleepy insomniacs? Like. Yes. That's what I need. No, I think it's, uh, either drugs on the mattresses or money laundering.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:37:31] So. Yay for you.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:37:32] Absolutely.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:37:32] Yay. Yay for Auggie as well. All right. Trader Joe's secrets. Tiny parking lots. Some people think that they intentionally have small parking lots to create a sense of scarcity and urgency. Also, I guess they have flirty staff. Rumors say employees are trained to flirt to boost customer loyalty, although TJ denies both of these things. But yay or nay on those.

Auggie Smith: [00:37:51] Oh hey, she doesn't love me. Well, first of all, the the parking spot is obviously true. I mean, that's obviously true. You see it all the time where they have plenty of space to build a bigger lot. They have, and they just don't use it. They fill it up with trees and other stuff because they want they want it to be like an experience. Oh my God, I'm a Trader Joe's. That's the kind of thing I park my car. So yeah, I absolutely believe that. I don't know about the flirtation thing because I don't go in that much anymore.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:20] Well, yeah, I think yes, for both. But I think the first reason I would say is a different reason. I think they so want to be associated with a folksy situation, mom and pop like.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:32] Aesthetic.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:33] Mom and pop. Yeah. Yeah. Not like a big corporate thing. So I think that's why they have the small parking lot, too. So you always feel like it's like, you know.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:42] We're not we're not Kroger.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:38:43] It's my local market. And the flirting, I would say one of the Dale Carnegie ways to influence people and win friends is to say their name, people like hearing their own name. So I think they're being friendly to boost customer loyalty. I don't know about flirting.

Cat Alvarado: [00:38:58] Yeah. So on the flirting one, I think whoever wrote this conspiracy is one of those guys who thinks everybody's flirting with him.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:39:03] Are you flirting with me right now? I, I put periods on my on my text messages, by the way.

Cat Alvarado: [00:39:11] Well, then I would have no idea what your intention to it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:14] Bro. Did you see that girl? She totally wants me. She said paper or plastic?

Cat Alvarado: [00:39:18] To be honest. Look. As women, we do the same thing too. Like I feel like most. Okay. If you're a married guy between the ages of 30 and 40. Don't talk to me. Because if you're a little bit nice, I'll think you're flirting, right? So better just don't.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:30] Also, because a married guy between 30 and 40 is also not. He's not on the prowl. So him being nice also feels so pure. And because he's.

Cat Alvarado: [00:39:38] And you go, wow, I love this energy. Who is this magic person? But really they're just like, oh, sorry. Like, they just, like, bumped into you.

Auggie Smith: [00:39:46] Like, we work in nightclubs. And it just my whole life I've walked women to their car. You offer to walk a woman who has, like, it's just like, I just don't want you to get attacked. I'm really not hitting on you. And I'll just. I'll walk five feet behind you.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:39:59] Because if you get attacked, people are gonna go. Why didn't you walk her to her heart? That's going to be an issue.

Auggie Smith: [00:40:03] Because I didn't want. Her to think.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:07] Or you just attack them. I mean, that's why I did attack.

Auggie Smith: [00:40:10] What am I going to do anyway?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:11] That's like.

Auggie Smith: [00:40:12] I'll try to get beat up more than you.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:13] One of my friends, I read it like books, books. And I go to the bar and I'd read what I'm waiting for, people I just read, and then people want to talk because I'm doing something. And then I told my one of my single friends, I was like, oh, you guys. He's like, guys, we couldn't talk to girls, my girls. I was like, just read. And then I was like, bring a book, read. And then he did it and he's like, it didn't work. And I was like, were you reading? And he's like, no. And I was like, see, it didn't work because you weren't fucking reading like you.

Auggie Smith: [00:40:34] And what book. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:37] You would have, like pretending to read. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:38] A thousand.

Auggie Smith: [00:40:39] Novelization of John Wick.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:40] And I was like, because I was like, I'm actually.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:40:42] Reading.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:40:42] This funny. When the person talks to me, they're actually annoying me because I'm trying to read. So I don't want to talk to the person. I just want to read. 

Auggie Smith: [00:40:48] All men who are listening to this podcast, especially you incels out there, Hollaback you! You can't fake like you're not paying attention to a woman. You can't fake like you don't like her. You've got to be committed. It's the only way it works. And what book? The Picture of Dorian Gray, that's got to be the book, because that was in the book in, uh, 500 days of Summer. So girls are going to tap into that. Oh, so that's got to be the book. 

Auggie Smith: [00:41:14] I was going to say. The one from serendipity, love in a Time of Cholera. Oh, it could be. Then they know that.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:18] Yeah, that's that's that's a little elevated, though.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:20] What about that book, Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath? That's what I would.

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:23] Oh my gosh, that was literally in a sketch about performative male.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:26] Is that really?

Auggie Smith: [00:41:29] If you want a particular woman, you could do Ayn Rand.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:31] Is she the one who put her head in the oven?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:35] Yeah.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:35] Oh, yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:41:36] Sylvia, you know, until I was 30, I thought that she cooked herself like.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:40] Oh, is that right?

Auggie Smith: [00:41:41] And the gas thing never occurred. I just thought she, like, burned herself.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:44] She's right. She's amazing.

Auggie Smith: [00:41:46] What a terrible way to. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:46] Like she. She basted herself.

Auggie Smith: [00:41:48] Just jump off a building.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:49] She's in a mate. She's like so. So all dudes seem to love, like, um. Salinger. What is she?

Cat Alvarado: [00:41:55] Uh huh. Um. Catcher in the Ryle.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:41:57] They like they love catcher in the Rye. But, yeah.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:41:59] The real is in their pocket when they shoot someone.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:42:00] The real. The real book that actually is, like, about, like, being like a, like, kind of in that time period or like that, that in that time period. Like, like physically. Emotionally. Like is actually the bell jar. That's like a better version of the.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:12] I got to check that out because I read.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:42:14] My female emails. Could could really get my eggs. I think it's like an amazing book. It's like one of the best books in the history.

Auggie Smith: [00:42:19] Okay. You want to meet a woman? You want to be reading a book? What book? I it's it's not the Bell Jar.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:42:26] No Jen I think Zen and motorcycle maintenance because that's a conversation.

Auggie Smith: [00:42:30] That's a good one.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:42:30] Yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:42:31] Oh yeah. To kill a mockingbird man. Mockingbird. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:34] Notebook By Nicholas Sparks.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:42:36] Oh geez, That would be good, actually.

Cat Alvarado: [00:42:40] Well, the notebook, you're actually reading The Notebook.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:42:42] Yeah. Notebook would be good, or I. I literally read a book once from a casting agent. Like, I went for commercial agent. They just had a book. It was like, take it, leave it, whatever. And I took it and I read it. It was called An Unnecessary Woman. Right. So that's the book you want to read because you're you're ignoring these women, right? The book says an unnecessary woman. So she reads that and she's like, I know he ain't talking about comes over, right.

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:07] This is like negging. You're basically either negging or peacocking with your book. This is exactly the game. But with the book that you're holding. Wow.

Auggie Smith: [00:43:15] Yeah. I read this book once called what the hell are you looking at?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:19] Right. Okay.

Auggie Smith: [00:43:21] Put that up in front of my face when I'm in public.

Cat Alvarado: [00:43:24] Someone recently recommended a book to me called Women Pissing. Oh, that'd be a fun one. That guy was reading that.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:43:33] Men with big penises. How to deal with big penises.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:43:36] But also have the book. Don't like, have a tablet. And then on the back of your tablet, put a sticker that says the book you're reading that that's not going to work.

Auggie Smith: [00:43:47] I just loudly announce it. Hey everybody, I'm reading. If you could just leave me alone. I'm on my tablet.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:43:54] Don't talk to me right now.

Auggie Smith: [00:43:57] It's little Women. It's no big thing. I'm just a fan. Yeah, I've read it before. Sure. But I find something new every time.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:05] So.

Auggie Smith: [00:44:05] Okay, now go on with your night.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:44:08] All right, so Walmart and military bases. Jade Helm 15 three. When Walmart closed several stores in 2015, some people believed they were being converted into secret military facilities or FEMA camps. Yay or nay?

Cat Alvarado: [00:44:20] Yay! That sounds plausible.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:21] Do you think people still get the, uh, the smiley stickers on the way in? Um, I say nay on this one. Yes.

Auggie Smith: [00:44:27] Well, they are not. Ten years later, we have a $45 billion budget for Ice to build new detention centers. So the fact that it's so quaint that we used to hide something like that,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:44:38] Right?

Auggie Smith: [00:44:39] We used to think it had to be secret that. We're building detention camps, and that was just in a bill, and people voted on it. And now it's just a law. We're just 45 billion. The Supermax in Colorado cost $60 million to build. So do the math. That's like seven Super Maxes or something. It's way more than that. That's the joke.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:01] Yeah I know right? Right, right.

Auggie Smith: [00:45:02] No, but I mean

Dwayne Perkins: [00:45:03] and Alcatraz.

Auggie Smith: [00:45:04] You can you can build a state for $45 billion who's going to go in these things? And so I just think it's wonderful that there was a time when this was a conspiracy, like, no, it's a thing. It's an absolute thing.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:15] All right. So IKEA's maze of mind control. So the theory is IKEA's layout is intentionally disorienting to trap you in a furniture labyrinth. The effect is that you spend more time wandering, which increases the chance of impulse buying. 

Cat Alvarado: [00:45:26] 100%. That is like an actual like a lot of stores actually do versions of this. That's why if there's something you really want, they'll put it like towards the back. It's why the clearance section is always in the back, because they want you to like, look at all the expensive things on the way to get the deals.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:45:40] I was a buyer for the Robinsons May company, and they have people whose job it is to figure out the customer paths and they'll like they'll actually walk you through the store and say, okay, so 54% of people stop right here in this spot and then like 4% will go this way, 5% will go that way, and 50% go that way. And they always look in that direction. They'll do in that order. Right. And then like, so we were watching on a surveillance camera and like after we went through this whole thing in the store and they literally did that and they're like, you could just watch them walk in like every single person was doing the same thing.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:09] I would say, well, two things. One in supermarkets, people might notice, but it's worth repeating shop the uh, shop the perimeter. Right. That's better for your health. Perimeter of the supermarket.

Cat Alvarado: [00:46:19] Because that's where all the fresh food is.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:21] Fruit. The milk is in the back. The meat. You know what I mean?

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:46:24] The children.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:46:25] The aisles have all the processed garbage stuff. Okay. And then also, you know, we talked about this, I think, before the cereal, you know, is at the level to look directly at the children. So like Captain Crunch, they're all like looking at the kids like bias, buys us, you know. So there is a lot of thought put into this. But I say a lot, I'd say. But for Ikea I say nay because I think, is it a Swedish company? I think it's not a complicated maze for them. It's like they're like, what is, what's wrong with these. People, you. Know,

Auggie Smith: [00:46:58] In country where everybody went to college?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:00] Yeah, it's very intuitive for them. That's why they didn't, you know, and they're like, we we made it easy. We gave you meatballs at the top. Like, we, you know, we're trying to help you. We're not trying to get you lost.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:10] All right. Auggie Yay or nay for you.

Auggie Smith: [00:47:11] No I'm gonna say no because anytime you have a store that's seven square miles. It's gonna have a weird path to get around it. You can't go straight through it, man.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:22] That's a good point.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:23] And a friend of our podcast, Randall Park.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:25] Yeah, I was gonna say.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:25] Yeah. Has an amazing short film if you've never seen it. So he he he shot a short film in Ikea.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:30] Like a web series.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:31] Like a web series? A web series where, like, basically like they'll have, like they'll pretend to be sleeping on the bed. And in the background you see random customers.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:38] They use Ikea sets as their.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:40] Set for their.

Auggie Smith: [00:47:41] Oh. So it's like the idea is it's like a regular sitcom.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:44] But yeah, you.

Auggie Smith: [00:47:44] Just happen to be in Ikea.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:45] But it's in a real Ikea. It's happening. And then when people and when Ikea workers come and tell them they have to leave, they just incorporate it into the scene. They don't they don't break character.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:55] So they'll be like trying to turn the TV on. They're like, it's not working because it's not real.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:47:59] It's really great.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:47:59] It was pretty funny. I mean, all right, the last one, the Juice bar, wellness trap, suspicion, high end grocery stores with in-house juice bars or wellness counters are accused of pushing pseudoscience. The conspiracy. Some believe these are upfronts to sell overpriced placebo products under the guise of health. Yay or nay? Let's start with Auggie.

Auggie Smith: [00:48:16] Auggie, I'm so sick of hearing that fruits and vegetables are good for us. It's been proven over and over again that they're not. And these damn juice bars that you take, it's just fruit, man. It's just fruit that they mush up and they sell it to you in a drink form. And it's another lie of Big Apple.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:48:36] Well, it kind of depends on if the if they include the skin, if you're getting the fiber or not. Apple juice. Like from a store like we'll have like, let's say a glass has the equivalent of six apples worth of sugar, but you're not gonna eat six apples. You know, if the if the skin is in, then that's fiber. And that's going to slow your body's, uh, absorption of the sugar. Right? But I would say, I don't know. This is like Yay and Nay, because I don't think it's about pseudoscience. I think it's about, you know, you're going to get those donuts, right?

Auggie Smith: [00:49:06] Right.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:07] Get a healthy shake.

Auggie Smith: [00:49:08] Sure.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:08] Get the donuts.

Auggie Smith: [00:49:09] You've earned it.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:10] Yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:49:10] That's what you had a smoothie. You've earned something,

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:13] Right right.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:49:16] All right. Cat?

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:17] Yeah. I think this is definitely a trap. I mean, I think all the whole juice stuff is a trap. It's just like, just eat the fruit. You're gonna get all this stuff. But, yeah, I think there's, like, this allure where you have a fancy high end juice thing and they're like, oh, yeah, I also have this spirulina. It's so good for you. Oh my God. Look at Sima. Well, you want some SteamOS? And really, it's all bullshit. None of it has, like, provable benefits and, like, maybe a tiny bit, but barely.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:49:44] I think high end grocery stores are a scam anyway. Absolutely. I mean, 90% of the stuff is they're sourced from the same place.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:50] Listen, I don't know if people go to the Mexican supermarkets in L.A. it's.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:49:54] Like I do.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:49:55] You get everything for so cheap.

Cat Alvarado: [00:49:58] Well, thank you Auggie for coming on with us. Please tell us where we can follow you.

Auggie Smith: [00:50:02] Uh, the Instagram is Smith, Auggie, Facebook is Auggie Smith. And no, I'm not the racist super villain from peacemaker. I'm not saying that I'm not racist or a super villain. I'm just saying I'm not that racist. It's, uh. Do you know about this? Have you watched as a peacemaker?

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:20] You know, I haven't, because I watch the boys, and it seems like it's a similar kind of thing.

Auggie Smith: [00:50:24] A, I only started watching it last week, and it's fantastic. It's one of the best things. It's just seen on television. Yeah, it with Cena.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:50:31] Yeah, yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:50:31] And he's he's so, so very, very good in it. It's so much better than you think. It's going to be so much deeper than you think it's going to be. And it's way darker than you think is going to be.

Cat Alvarado: [00:50:41] Like Wayfair selling kids darker.

Auggie Smith: [00:50:42] Exactly. And by the way, I've really enjoyed making jokes about child trafficking for the last hour. Thanks for having me on for this one. And, uh. Oh. Anyway, but. So I'd go, I have a a Google alert for Auggie Smith, and all of a sudden I started getting a bunch of I'm like, oh, what's going on? It's my album popping off. No, no, it's because the T-1000, Robert Patrick, is playing a racist supervillain called the White Knight who dressed up like a Klan member. And, uh, but his name is Auggie Smith. No. His name is on.

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:14] You piss off one of the writers room

Auggie Smith: [00:51:15] And he's so evil. He's such an evil, evil man. Out of all the characters that could be named after.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:21] And does he spell it the same?

Auggie Smith: [00:51:22] Yeah. Two G's, and everybody does the two G's. He does.

Cat Alvarado: [00:51:25] Somebody who knows you must be in there and be like, I'm gonna name it after, like, the nicest comic.

Auggie Smith: [00:51:30] Well, that's the thing. I'm in the writers room. Well, I don't know, because it's probably canon to the to the I'm sure there's comic books or whatever. But nonetheless, it's it's wrong because I had to change my name. My given name is Kevin Smith, so I had to change that. because, uh, dumb clerks. And now I gotta change it because of a racist supervillain. I'm running out of names, man.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:51:52] Koji Sakai still available

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:53] there's another Dwayne Perkins. who didn't change his name. I mean, he spells it differently.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:51:58] That's true.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:51:58] Kevin Smith, you could have been Kevin Auggie Smith or Morgan. Auggie. Kevin smith.

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:02] Morgan Smith.

Auggie Smith: [00:52:03] Again. I could have been again.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:06] Noggin.

Auggie Smith: [00:52:07] Noggin Smith. He'll he'll you'll be tapping it. You'll be tapping the noggin and making you think. 

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:16] Anyway, we truly appreciate your support and enthusiasm for our quirky, mysterious, and fun filled journey. Your curiosity and engagement make this podcast a joy to create. Stay tuned for more intriguing stories and remember to share, subscribe and leave a review. Until next time, keep wandering and stay. Unofficially official.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:33] In the next episode, we'll be asking the question was James Dean's little bastard Porsche cursed?

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:38] Oh, that's a good one.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:39] Like the cookie jar.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:41] Kind of. Yeah, yeah, except the Porsche.

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:43] Well, like, even the parts of the Porsche. 

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:45] Cursed, cursed?

Auggie Smith: [00:52:46] Cursed because it was crushed.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:47] Yeah, it was crushed.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:52:48] Yeah, that's that's without doubt. Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:52:51] If I if I remember that one correctly, though, like, they even took the parts out of it and put them into a new car, and then that car got crushed.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:52:57] Yeah.

Auggie Smith: [00:52:57] Oh, I don't know about this.

Cat Alvarado: [00:53:00] Yeah, that's It's good.

Auggie Smith: [00:53:01] I'm coming back.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:02] Yeah.

Cat Alvarado: [00:53:03] We'll have you back.

Koji Steven Sakai: [00:53:04] All right. Well, thank you guys. All right. Bye, everybody.

Cat Alvarado: [00:53:07] Bye.

Dwayne Perkins: [00:53:08] See ya.